Tag Archives: movies

Another Week

Going through each week is definitely an up and down experience.  I’m blessed to have the friends I do, as they are happily keeping me engaged and doing stuff.   As you’ll see in these pictures, I do have fun.  And I can at times not think about Larry’s death, and I don’t feel bad about that, as I know it’s good to embrace life however I can.   There are points of each day though that still break my heart and I need a moment.  Like today.  I decided to do another little bit of cleaning.   Last week I worked on streamlining some of Larry’s stuff out of the bathroom cabinets.  I thought that would be the easiest to do, and it probably was, but it was still emotional, as there were still some medicines and things that he had to use during his cancer fight.   There was also stuff from before that, like LONG before that, that Larry should have thrown out years, if not decades ago.   So at least I could laugh at times.  Today though, I tackled the top of the dresser in our bedroom, as it was stacked with the clothes that he could wear at the end.   It hadn’t made any sense to try to organize the while he was alive and needed them, as sometimes it was necessary to grab a quick change of clothes to keep him clean.

The dresser before I finally went through and cleaned it up

Obviously, this was harder than cleaning his bathroom stuff.  I did clean it up, and decided which things really weren’t worth keeping, but I couldn’t get rid of it all yet.  I kept some things for myself, and some things I folded and put away.   Larry’s side was on the right in the dresser, and just opening those drawers up was painful and caused me to cry.  I really don’t know when I’ll be able to move to the phase of getting rid of his stuff.   There’s obviously no need for me to immediately, but I also recognize it has to happen some day.

I then was in the office trying to just straighten some stuff up down here as it’s admittedly a small mess here with a lot of paperwork and things kind of anywhere there is a flat surface.   I looked in his small drawers there and found a small Hallmark bag – apparently he had gone and bought a few cards for me, including a birthday card, a Valentine’s day card, and an anniversary card.   That did the trick, and I had a full-on meltdown.  The cards hadn’t been written in yet.   But it was nice.  Then of course at that moment, work called about some bullshit thing that just was like, thanks for reminding me I hate everything.  I’ll never get rid of some things, and those cards definitely aren’t going anywhere.   Glad I was able to see the Valentine’s day card today – yesterday sucked but it was never a holiday that Larry and I went crazy for, but still, a “holiday’ about loved ones still hurts a lot.

Anyway, I had a full week at work, although I only made it into the office once.   Had a few days where I just couldn’t make it out of bed early, which is not good.   One night I had a full on panic attack about everything going on, so yeah, couldn’t quite get the energy to go in.   But as I was getting to at the beginning of this post, my friends are really my rock and my strength at this point.   I don’t want to take advantage nor become solely dependent on their presence, but some days it’s just good to be with them.  I am on my own again at this point, and I am finding the strength to be okay with it.  I’m sad of course, as I don’t really see me finding anyone else with how I look and my age, but I can still find things to occupy my time and be happy with, especially with friends, and hopefully just find some kind of meaning or purpose until it’s time for me to die.

So here are some pics from the last week or so – there’s been some really fun stuff.   To start, here’s what I was doing last week with friends.  Rekha was celebrating her birthday in WeHo a little belatedly, but it was a blast.   Started at Rocco’s WeHo for a drag brunch, and it was flamazing.  A few hours later, we walked over to the Abbey to enjoy the ambience and fun.   Can’t deny by the end I was a little drunk and got melancholy, but my friends were there to help and support, understanding exactly what was happening.   Just miss Larry a lot.

Rekha’s WeHo Birthday Fun – February 7, 2020:

The next day, I was a bit dehydrated from Saturday’s activities!   Nicki and I had gone to dinner afterwards, so it wasn’t like I had been drinking until the late night, thank god.   But still, a lot of beer (which is what I focused on that day) has consequences.   Anyway, on Sunday, it was the Oscars, and Ken had invited me to his annual party.  It was a lot of fun and I got to see the whole family, of course.  Before then, I had been assembling my Lego Empire State Building (which is massive, btw) and making my world famous chocolate chip cookies for the party, while watching Arrival.   What a movie that is, and it keeps rising in my rankings.  It’s easily in my top 15?   Such an emotional movie, and even more so with how I’m feeling.   What a weird thing to contemplate – would you go through something having the knowledge of how it will go and end?  I know I would, and that’s why I know that the 11 years I had with Larry were magical and worth it all.   I wish the cancer hadn’t been part of his story, but that’s neither here nor there.

Oscars Sunday, February 9, 2020

I enjoyed the Academy Awards – very glad Parasite won.   Sveta and I watched that a few weeks ago and it blew us away.

This past week, work kept me busy and in the evenings, I did usually have somewhere to go, which was nice.

On Monday afternoon, I did go into DTLA for work, but mostly so I could have lunch with Barb.  We went to the Joey’s DTLA which is the same restaurant (but in Woodland Hills at the Warner Center) that Larry & I took Fran and Joel to one of the first times they stayed with us when we had moved in here at the Glen.  Always fun catching up and talking with Barb, and one of those people I’m so glad to have in my life.  You never know when a new addition to your friends is actually going to stick, and she has.

On Tuesday night, I met up with Nicki down at the Century City mall to eat at the Din Tai Fung there.   It’s huge!  We wisely got there early enough and found a seat in their bar area.  But it gets packed, even on a Tuesday night.   That mall is a trip too – so much money there.  And lots of attractive guys?

On Wednesday, Sveta came over and I had a puff too many on the weed and got pretty fucking high for a brief moment.   I braced for a NYE 2014 situation but happily the wave crested and I came back down.   I think if I was expecting and aiming for super-high, it would be fine, but I am really aiming for just chilling out.  So yeah, two puffs is my max in a session.   That gets me to a nice place.

On Thursday, I went to a PwC going-away for a cool associate, Danny.  It was at this Korean BBQ in a mall in Little Tokyo I’d never known about – it was a lot of fun.   We walked over to the Angel City Brewery and played an epically long game of Sorry, which really is a bitch of a game.   Very funny though.  Mel and I won, of course.   And I was out till like 12, on a school night!!!  WTF.   I can’t hang like that too much.  Was way tired on Friday.

And yesterday, on Friday aka Valentine’s Day, Nicki took me out.   It was very sweet, and I appreciated it, as it is a hard day to not be doing something, especially with it being so close to Larry’s death still.  We first went to dinner at El Coyote near her house on Beverly.  It tied together with the second part of the date, as we saw Once Upon a Time in Hollywood at the New Beverly Theater, which is owned and run by Quentin Tarantino.  Kind of a cool thing.   Plus, in the movie Sharon Tate is shown having dinner with her friends at El Coyote (the real one) on that fateful night.  The movie also shows Cliff and Jake having dinner that same night at Casa Vega, which is also a place we’ve now been to.  I’m such a hipster.   It was a blast of a night and that movie does not get old, and if anything, it just gets better for me.   Still can’t get over how insanely violent that 10 minute section is.

Valentine’s Day with Nicki – Feb 14, 2020

Finally, to end this ridiculously long post, I’m sharing this video that makes me ridiculously happy and has motivated me to even buy the Just Dance 2020 game for my Switch, just so I can play this and learn the moves.   In the 2000s, some of you may remember how obsessed I got with Dance Dance Revolution – who knows if it’ll enter that level, but still, watch this video and be amazed at the dancing skill of the group and chuckle at how awesome the “Rasputin” song is!

You’re welcome.

A Nice Weekend

I’ve discovered I can start crying at the drop of a hat.  Okay, to be more specific, grieving for me can be “okay one minute – absolutely crestfallen the next.”  It’s obviously what grief is in terms of a definition, but it just can take a lot out of you.  This morning, I woke up and just started crying, and that was because I started just thinking about all the things that have happened or are happening in my life, and it just made me sad and anxious.  I have to trust that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but right now, it’s all tunnel.

Why am I writing that?   Just that when nice things happen, it’s good to enjoy them, as I can find myself very easily in the midst of crying.   So this past weekend, it got started out right by having dinner with Carey & Paras at the Sugarfish in Hollywood.  As I’ve raved previously, Sugarfish is the shit.  The best sushi around especially at the price point you get it at.

The key is to get there a little ahead of the rush – we got seated around 5:45, which was perfect.   When we left around 7, the waiting area was packed, and since Sugarfish doesn’t do reservations, you gotta wait.  We then headed down the street to Arclight to see The Gentlemen.   I had barely heard of this Guy Ritchie movie, and let me tell you, it’s fucking awesome.   An exciting and compelling crime story with a bunch of movie stars having a blast.  If, like me, you’d never heard of it before, by all means go check it out.  Fun stuff.  Hugh Grant is so far from his typical “Hugh Grant”-ness it’s mind-blowing.

Jan 31 Night at Sugarfish and Arclight with Carey & Paras:

On Saturday, I went over to visit mom for the first time since going with her to Helen’s for Christmas Eve.  I brought the wedding album I’d put together and she was able to remember all of that and the things we did then, and she managed to remember Larry had died, but it’s just not the same person.  Stacie and I are going to have to look to find a place for her to live, such as independent or assisted living as it just can’t continue on with how it is now, as it’s no way to live.  So on the way back home, I just wanted to try to make Larry proud, so I picked up filet mignons (enough for 3 people) and potatoes and broccoli, as I invited Nicki and Sveta over for dinner.  Everybody pitched in to help make dinner, and we ended up having medium-rare filets, baked potatoes, and roasted garlic broccoli.  It was fucking great.  Ended up mostly just talking that night, although I keep wanting to play “Ticket to Ride”, the actual board game. One day.

Feb 1 Filet Mignon Night with Nicki & Sveta:

On Sunday, I endeavored to try to start the process of cleaning up some of Larry’s stuff.  As it is now, I can’t even touch his clothes or shoes, whether they’re in the closet or on the dresser.  It hurts too much to think about it and the tears, as explained above, come like clockwork.  So I thought I’d take it easy on myself and just try to clear out some of the bathroom pills and such.  Well, I did manage to clear out stuff that probably Larry should have thrown out long ago, as well as remove excess stuff.   Still couldn’t get rid of things like his glasses though.  It’s not like I can even wear his glasses as my head is too big for his frames; nor can I wear his pants or shoes, so it makes sense that I should probably work on those to go.  But it’s just, I don’t think I can bear to have the closet half empty, or the drawers only filled on my side, as right now, I’m not triggered when I walk into my bedroom.  There’s something comforting about his stuff being there still.  But as I type this with tears in my eyes, I know I have to start bracing myself for that, and maybe I have friends with me when I do, but I don’t even know if that will help.  Fuck all of this.

Yes, I’ve begun the process of seeing a therapist.  She’s come over to the house a few times, and it’s still been an assessment period, so I think the next time would be truly the first session?  But these first few times have felt like a way to talk about these things I’m feeling and I guess it helps.  I just want to see if the tunnel ends.

Later on Sunday, Nicki kept me company while we watched the Super Bowl.  Still don’t really care about it, but at least the game was interesting and the commericals were okay.  The half time show was awesomesauce:

Michancy Visited

This past weekend obviously was focused on Larry’s memorial, and to be able to make it through that without losing my mind, Michancy came down and stayed with me for the weekend.  She finally got to stay in the guest room too!

The visit was wonderful – she flew in on Thursday evening to Burbank Airport (yay!), and on Friday I took the day off so we could hang out.   We swung by a dispensary to stock up, and for the first time in a long while, I smoked some weed.  And if you just manage to pace yourself, it’s amazing.   We just hung out and watched TV (I was inspired to watch MacGruber because of the “Unspooled” podcast – very dumb movie, but still hilarious;  we also watched the first episode of Picard and it was very very good.  Again, I’m so pissed Larry wasn’t able to see it), and then that night, we sat out on the patio and drank, smoked weed, and had a dance party.   Every Friday night should be so chill.

On Saturday, the chilling continued.  We watched Looper that morning, and having not seen it since 2012, I had forgotten how fucking gREAT it is.  Rian Johnson is a helluva storyteller.  Also watched Across the Universe that evening as I was in the mood for some Julie Taymor Beatles fun, although even though it’s a spectacle, the story really is just kinda dumb.   The performances of the songs really are what make the movie.

Sunday was obviously the memorial, and then afterward when we got back, we just relaxed some more and watched some ST:TNG episodes, and watched one that was relevant to Picard, “The Measure of a Man”.  TNG is a good series, but I just couldn’t watch it as much as Larry could.   I have started listening to the podcast Larry loved, “Star Trek: The Next Conversation”, as they talked about the first episode of Picard.  I ended up writing them a message letting them know about Larry’s death as he had been an occasional mention on the show and each time that happened, Larry just got so happy.

Anyway, I’m so glad to have spent this weekend with Michancy.  Never a dull moment, and she indulged my wine drinking, so yay me.

Star Wars at Home

This morning started out with Alyssa leaving and saying her goodbyes with Larry one last time.   Later that morning, Stacie and Trent came over to visit with Larry.   It was a very nice time spent with them – I’m glad they could do so, as we were able to reminisce a little and just have a nice conversation with Larry.  They left before noon and we then got Larry downstairs.   It was very hard to have him go up and down stairs.   A nurse from True Care was coming at 1pm, and we also had Nicki, Sveta, and Mila coming over.  Not only that, I had been able to reach out to friends in the industry (George and Greg, effectively) about a Star Wars Rise of Skywalker screener and Greg had one!   He wasn’t in town on Thursday, but managed to FedEx it to us overnight so it got here in the morning today.  Not only that, but he also sent Uncut Gems, 1917, and Frozen 2. Unbelievable.  The nurse’s visit was good, and she encouraged us to move the hospital bed to the living room level, which honestly made the most sense so he’d have TV, be around everyone, and not have to deal with stairs anymore.  So we cleared out the area around where the Eames chair was, moving that over by the dining room table, and made room for the hospital bed to be relocated.  The highlight of the day was of course getting to watch Star Wars!  It was a lot of fun, a lot of the criticism is warranted, but it’s still one hell of a ride.  Very enjoyable, but still like The Last Jedi the best of this new trilogy.  Larry couldn’t really stay awake for most of it and was in and out, but I tried my best to keep him engaged.

Afterwards, we all just had a pleasant evening hanging out, drinking wine, telling stories, lighting Hanukkah candles, laughing, crying, playing Cards Against Humanity, eating Taco Bell.  I love my friends so much and they’ve been a godsend in this.  I don’t know what I’d do without them, as well as Fran and Joel obviously.   It was the first night that Larry spent down in the living room and I slept on the couch near him.  It wasn’t easy.  He peed once in the night which went well as I had him stand up, but the second time he did it laying down into the urinal and it was a mess.  Had to change the bed, do the sheets and his clothes, change his clothes to be clean, and then finally put him back to sleep.  I’m a little tired today (Sunday).

Wedding Album and Chicken Cacciatore

This was a nicer day.  Larry had some energy.   We’ve been trying to start days off with more energy for him by taking an Ensure Max in the morning.  Here’s hoping that it works.  We watched Once Upon a Time in Hollywood with Fran, and she liked it.  Great movie.  Nicki was coming over this night, and Fran suggested that we cook something in the Instapot, and she chose Chicken Cacciatore.  I think I may have been hesitant about the recipe due to all the vegetables, but damn, we all worked together to get the recipe done, including Larry, and including Nicki, and despite a small scare when a notice of ‘burn’ showed up on the Instapot’s screen (which comes up if you didn’t properly scrape the bottom of the container before starting pressure cooking), the food came out amazingly.  Amazingly.  I even ate all the mushrooms, onions, and bell peppers in it!   ME!  It was nice to have that night with everyone.  Take the happy moments where we can.  We then watched ‘Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood’ via Nicki’s screeners and it is a good movie – Mr Rogers plays a role in it, but he’s there almost as a guardian angels to the protagonist of the movie, who is going through all kinds of family drama including resentment, grief, anger and ultimately death.  Hard movie to watch at moments for obvious reasons.

On a side note, I was able to complete the wedding album – I think it came out wonderfully.  Got some advice from Nicki and she saw it and loved it.  I ordered 3 copies – one for me/Larry, one for Fran, and also one for Nicki.  I’ve paid an exorbitant amount of money to hopefully have it in hand by Dec 24, but we’ll see.