Tag Archives: larry

Hey

July 25, 2021 Hobie Leave a comment

It’s been another long stretch of time since I updated this here blog. I do in fact visit it periodically to look at memories or pictures when something triggers it, but my motivation to actually put something new here has been basically gone. Why remember this period of time? Almost all the posts I’ve done before were because I wanted to try to capture the fun, the joy, the travels, the moments… but when you don’t have those all that much anymore, and every day feels exactly the same as before, that’s when it’s harder to come back to this blank screen and type something up.

You’d think maybe Big Brother was what brought me back, and no, not really. But I will say that I’ve really been enjoying BB23 this season so far (entering week 3 and I don’t consider the season a dumpster fire so yay). It’s nice to have it around to look forward to during the summer.

Honestly what brought me back is a conversation I have with my therapist periodically, which is writing is good for me. I’m good at writing. I like writing. Maybe I just need to get back on the wagon and try. So here I am, writing again.

Some quick hits:

Vaccinated? Hell yeah I am, having got my 2nd Pfizer shot back in April. Reminder: it’s not a HIPAA violation to talk about your vaccination status.
Employed? Yeah, still employed. I actually got promoted as of July 1 to Senior Manager. It was bittersweet as obviously I had no one to really celebrate it with. Maybe somewhere in the ether they’re proud of me.
Roof over my head? Still at the place Larry & I bought in the Valley. I’ve been making small changes here and there. The featured image here is me at the new dining room table I bought. It replaces the dining room table Larry & I bought when we first moved back here to LA in our swanky pad in Santa Monica – let’s look at pictures:

I got rid of Larry’s car back in March. Yeah, it took me a year plus to get rid of it. Some of the delay was due to auto title and registration nonsense Larry hadn’t taken care of for 10 years. Anyway, I called a local DMV-authorized small business that helped me get the rest of the way, and soon enough I was able to sell it to a pick-a-part. So the garage stopped being a constant reminder, and that was good.
We had mom’s memorial in May after it seemed a good majority of people could have gotten vaccinated that would likely attend. We held it in Royal Oaks Park in Duarte, which was near her house. It was a very nice event and Stacie and I think it would have made mom happy.

Physical health? Yoga was what I earnestly started last year after Larry’s death and continued doing it nearly every day as the pandemic continued. I’m thankful I did so, as I know it has helped my back (by strengthening my core) and it has helped as a way to meditate and chill every morning. I bought a Peloton this year and that has also become key to my fitness. I ride nearly 3-4 times a week and add in strength Peloton workouts as well, and I am feeling good.

Mental health? My grief group has been part of my life for the last year or so. It wraps up this week, and I’m sad about that, but it’s always been a year program. The hope is that our group continues unofficially meeting up, like going out to dinner or others’ homes every 2 weeks. The others in this group are the only other ones who have the same shared experience and can really understand the utter despair and heartbreak the others feel. It’s quite a thing to have them in my life. I also started seeing a therapist one-on-one earlier this year when things just weren’t good. It’s been a good decision to take part in that. By no means does it solve anything but it does help me have perspective and tether me back to something.
My friends have kept me alive this past 18 months. What else can I say? Nicki was my pandemic pod and one of the very few people I saw in person for much of 2020. It’s hard to imagine making it alive without her last year. Like Nicki, Michancy has also visited when she can and we make sure our bitchy levels stay in the red. I’m visiting her in Vegas soon, and maybe that’ll be my first “hey, pics I took” post in a while when I get back. Sveta and Mila I’ve finally been able to see more regularly now that we’re all vaccinated and I love them so much. We all were able to get together and have our own Sound of Music Sing-a-long at my house back near Memorial Day weekend. It was wonderful.

I think that’s enough for now. I know that if I let myself go I can end up writing an endless post and I don’t feel I need to capture everything that’s happened since when I wrote about mom’s death.

Maybe I’ll be back to this more regularly. It did feel nice to highlight some of the good stuff and acknowledge the painful things too in this post. I’m sad and lonely still, most days, but I’m trying to do what I can to make it not so bad. I see friends, work keeps me busy, and maybe I’ll start dating soon. I don’t know. I say that out loud and it just feels really weird to contemplate that. But that can be for another post.

just a post, on life

Rest in Peace, Mom

February 15, 2021 Hobie 1 Comment

My mom died on Sunday, February 7. It has been two years of watching this wonderful strong woman decline and succumb to dementia and years worth of health struggles. My heart has broken many times this past year starting with Larry’s death, but being able to do really nothing except keep her comfortable this past year has killed a part of me that will never come back. She was never the same woman she was after the surgery she had in January 2019, in which something triggered and broke something inside her. I not only had to watch as my husband struggled and fought to live in 2019, I was there while my mom seemingly forgot how to do that.

She isn’t summed up by what she became these last two years, and I won’t let that be what colors my love and memories of her. Just like Larry, I won’t let what their end was be all that defines them for me. She was my mom, someone who I loved and someone who will forever be that person that was always in my corner and loved me and supported me. She was that woman who when I came out to her in my late 20s immediately embraced me and let me know nothing had changed. She only ever wanted what was best for me and did everything she could to help make that happen. I tried to return that love and care in the later years, after Harv died, and I hope I was able to.

I know that after Harv’s death, it was not the same for her. The love of her life had gone, and now it was up to her to rebuild something new. At 65, that isn’t the easiest thing to do. But she did, and she joined Silver Sneakers at the YMCA and made some friends. I was so proud of her to not only get out there and exercise, but to be social and just find something new.

Growing up, she was such an instrumental force in me becoming who I am. Her hobbies became mine: reading, watching musicals (Cabaret! Sound of Music!) and sappy movies (Somewhere in Time! International Velvet!), music, drawing, studies…. These were all formative things that still drive me and provide me some kind of comfort. And she provided this for me while going through a divorce, moving us out back to Southern California, staying with family to get back on her feet, and doing everything she could to make sure we’d be okay. She ended up meeting Harv and they fell in love, and eventually they married and I had a stepdad and step-siblings and more. I now had a ‘staircase’-sister, Stacie, who became just sister over the last 35+ years. Mom and Harv built a life, found their own successes and were able to build a home together in Monrovia, where I got to grow up and thrive with friends I still have to this day from MHS. They ended up able to finally buy a home in Duarte, which just 10 years before would have seemed impossible.

Mom had a hard childhood but managed to fight for a bright adulthood. Full of ups and downs, it was a good life for many years. I hate that her body and mind betrayed her in the end, and that these last two years are what happened to her. I’d say it’s not fair, and I mean that, but I also know the concept of fairness is stupid to apply here. But I have a lot of anger and sadness at the way this all happened at once, and I’ll have to learn to let go of that over time. I’ve lost my husband and mom in the course of a year, and I can’t help but feel sadness, anger, occasional despair and enormous resentment at what life has turned into lately.

Those feelings are for another post, but they’re part of this. Just not the only part. I loved my mom, I know she loved me, and I miss her so fucking terribly. I’ve missed her for two years to be honest, but knowing it’s final just hurts in a different way. I can only hope she’s reunited with Harv in some way and maybe even is able to send my love to Larry.

I know where she wanted to be laid to rest and that will come in the next few months. I’m not sure what I’m doing about a memorial just yet as this COVID nightmare makes things a whole lot more challenging.

I love you, Mom, and I hope you’re finally at peace. Of anyone, you deserve so much of that.

on life

Remembering the Moment When Everything Changed

September 22, 2020 Hobie Leave a comment

I found a post on my website that correlated to when Larry first got “sick”, and we stayed at home that weekend to watch movies:

A Weekend of Movies

His stomach had been bothering him and I can track when this date actually was as that was the first time we had done a telemedicine visit. So it’s easy to find on my HSA spending. It just sucks thinking back then to when it seemed maybe it was gonna be something like a ulcer or maybe IBS or just anything that might be treatable or chronic but not fatal. Slightly over a year and a half later, Larry was dead. And I still can vividly remember that telemedicine visit, and the scary part when the woman we were talking to said that Larry definitely needed to go see his doctor as it could be something more serious. She obviously was right.

I have nothing but time to reminisce, it seems. I try to veer towards good memories, but it’s hard. I do think about the end of 2019 and whenever I see pictures from them it’s a gut punch. Now it’s almost close to a year having passed and I can’t accept that. The world is a massive shitshow with the idiots taking over the asylum so we’re all stuck at home, and instead of grieving and rebuilding my life somehow, it’s not.

Fran and Joel went to Larry’s grave last week and facetime’d with me so I could see it for the first time since his burial, and it’s devastating. The grass still hasn’t grown over it and we have the headstone still on the way. But this year I was going to be back east to be there for the headstone reveal and of course I can’t. It’s all so fucked. Glad our incompetent, racist president can’t manage to do anything but blame others and do nothing during this pandemic. So glad.

Anyway, here is where Larry was buried. I love and miss him so much. I can’t be there to visit but I have to do my best to remember that’s just where he’s buried. “Larry” is not there – he’s free. I can’t imagine having to fight cancer in this nightmare we’re living in with the things going on, so I have that as a small mercy. I just wish I wasn’t alone as having him here to lean on (and to be there for him to lean on me) would be worth everything and make this year slightly bearable.

But yeah, just very hard to remember that initial moment in May of 2018 when we thought he was just “sick”. Never would have imagined that over two years later this is where I’d be. It’s literally impossible to have imagined this is what’s happening.

pop culture

No Time To Die

September 3, 2020 Hobie Leave a comment

This trailer for the latest James Bond movie, No Time to Die, is fucking epic.

I got chills just from watching it as you get to see a whole lot more than what we saw in the first trailer released soooooo long ago. I imagine the majority of my chills come from thinking Larry would have been so fucking excited to see this movie. I cried after watching the trailer this morning for that very reason. Do I want to go see this in “November”? Yes. Will I? ….probably not, because I’m not ready to go back and be amongst a ton of people. It’ll make its way to the home experience soon enough and I am more than fucking satisfied with the set up I have here.

Anyway, this looks like a great time and here’s hoping there’s no more family bullshit to deal with in the Bond universe. All hands are on deck and let’s rock this. Here’s the previous trailer:

just a post, on life, pictures, pop culture

A Good Day

August 16, 2020 Hobie Leave a comment

Yesterday was a good day. Unexpectedly a good day. I had made a plan to do a slow-cooker recipe for carnitas, and that honestly was the expectation for the day, in addtion to playing Railway Empire and Horizon Zero Dawn (which both are awesome and I’m obsessed). I got the morning started off right with some yoga (I’m honestly past counting the days anymore as it is a daily habit now, and I intend for it to be that way from here on out), and then I got the slow-cooking started.

Slow-Cooking Carnitas – Aug 16, 2020

Larry would’ve been proud. Used a pork butt that ButcherBox had sent to me (I’m still not sure what else to do with a pork butt besides carnitas), then got the mise-en-place done and about 8 hours later, I had delicious carnitas for dinner. SOOO GOOD.

The main thing though that made the day surprisingly good was that I was taking some supplies over to the home where my mom is living. It has been off limits for visitors so I expected I’d just get to drop the stuff off in the lobby but when I got there, guess what, apparently I should’ve read my emails from them as visitors are allowed again as long as you have a mask. So I got to see mom again for the first time in over 5 months. Even typing that just makes me sad. She didn’t even recognize me at first as she obviously wasn’t expecting me there either – I had Gatorade in hand and she asked me to put some in the refrigerator and then asked a nurse for her phone to call me and then she realized it was me. We hugged but I kept the mask on as it’s still an issue. We spent some time together but neither of us are long-term visit folks, so I left and we knew that I’d come back the next weekend. I took some pics of us together but she asked me not to post anything so I won’t. But I really was glad to get to see her.

The evening was good as I had an amazing dinner and then I went and set up the rooftop cinema for another movie:

It felt appropriate to watch it as it was definitely one of those movies that my mom and I watched endlessly when I was growing up. The soundtrack is still the best. Footloose was already in my head to watch again as the Number Ones article series this past week was in 1984 when “Footloose” the song topped the charts. Anyway, it was a fun way to end a good day.

What Else is Going on Besides Yesterday?

A lot of not much? But I’m passing the time. Most importantly and awesomely, Big Brother is back. I’ve of course been posting about this All Stars season as it’s just something new but also something I have loved for so long. I’m sad Larry isn’t able to enjoy it with me (despite his annoyance it he always would get sucked in). I do have my friends Mel, Nicki, and Sarah to text about it while episodes are going on, so that’s fun.

With Nicki visiting frequently on weekends, we’ve taken to playing the hell out of Ticket to Ride, and so I’ve gone and bought some of the board game expansions for it. We will have our enjoyment, dammit!

I re-discovered this picture of Larry from when we lived in Santa Monica (March 2013). It was when Stacie and Trent had come over for the day and he was cooking dinner. Larry looks so handsome here and has a great big smile while doing what he was amazing at, cooking and entertaining.

It’s my phone background now. It makes me happy.

I’m going in reverse-chronological order through my pictures since my last post and while if I was better about frequent posting the pics would make it, now it’s like, eh, no need. But I did try another recipe in mid July that was a Larry special: the cajun chicken pasta recipe modeled on what Chili’s makes. It’s soooo good. Larry had the recipe in Paprika and I decided to go for it. Honestly, it was really good, but not as good as he made it. But I can always try again. I was really happy to play with cooking chicken breasts though – butterflying them and then frying them on the stove makes them taste so delicious with a proper seasoning on them!

Cajun Chicken Pasta via Me – July 19, 2020

BTW, when Jon & Alyssa were out for last Thanksgiving, Jon, Michancy, and I went to pick up supplies. One of the stops was Mission Wine & Liquor and thank GOD for that journey as it really is one of those fantastic liquor stores that actually carries a ton of wine with many options and always always has the MONTEPULCIANO. I don’t think I need wine.com anymore although I did make sure to get my money back on that membership that gets your complimentary shipping!

Superman & Sound of Music – July 16, 2020

Watching movies on the roofdeck is awesome. It’s a little bit of work to get the screen up and the projector and sound all put in place, but it’s just so worth it. One night, I had it in me to want to see Superman up on the roof, because it’s awesome. It’s also long, and I made an intermission for myself as I was getting a little tired. I had posted a little about that online and Wendy brought up that maybe I could have The Sound of Music on the roof this year? Part of me reeeeally wants to have that singalong here, but part of me is also like, is that irresponsible? I don’t know what the best answer is. I could see having a few people, maybe? But it’s like, I think we could wait too. I don’t know. But for a moment I was excited and I decided to watch a few scenes from TSOM to make sure it worked up there! I also discovered you really can’t go up and watch anything until it’s actually dark. lol

I guess one last picture set to put up is actually what I ended up doing the night of my last posting, which was back on July 12. I set up the movie theater again for myself (knowing how to do it was half the battle!) and watched The Empire Strikes Back which was having its 40th anniversary and amusingly was the #1 movie in the nation that weekend because everything else is shut down. It’s quite awesome to watch on a big screen!

The Empire Strikes Back – July 12, 2020

One weekend when Nicki was here, we watched The Goonies up on the roof deck, so it’s been fun to watch some classics in that venue!

Those are the main pictures I’ve got. Everything else? Work is work, so that’s good. I dream about Larry every now and then, and it’s nice. Sometimes I want to post about those dreams so I can remember them later, but I usually don’t. Some have been funny – a while ago I dreamt about us trying to get a table at brunch and it was so vivid. Sometimes I can vaguely remember that he’s actually dead while in the dream and it makes it that much more surreal. Like, do I tell him?

Alright, I think I’m caught up. It’s close to September. It’s crazy to believe Larry’s death was over 7 months ago. I can’t really understand that 5 months have been lost just being stuck at home. It’s fucking stupid and I hate it because if our nation had had a coordinated response that made the pain last just 1-2 solid months, we’d likely be in a position now to be rolling things out properly. But no, that’s not this country. We’ve got “freedom” to act as selfishly as we want and god forbid your “freedoms” are infringed upon by being asked to wear a mask. People are just so fucking dumb. We deserve all that we are getting.