Tag Archives: mom

Hey

July 25, 2021 Hobie Leave a comment

It’s been another long stretch of time since I updated this here blog. I do in fact visit it periodically to look at memories or pictures when something triggers it, but my motivation to actually put something new here has been basically gone. Why remember this period of time? Almost all the posts I’ve done before were because I wanted to try to capture the fun, the joy, the travels, the moments… but when you don’t have those all that much anymore, and every day feels exactly the same as before, that’s when it’s harder to come back to this blank screen and type something up.

You’d think maybe Big Brother was what brought me back, and no, not really. But I will say that I’ve really been enjoying BB23 this season so far (entering week 3 and I don’t consider the season a dumpster fire so yay). It’s nice to have it around to look forward to during the summer.

Honestly what brought me back is a conversation I have with my therapist periodically, which is writing is good for me. I’m good at writing. I like writing. Maybe I just need to get back on the wagon and try. So here I am, writing again.

Some quick hits:

Vaccinated? Hell yeah I am, having got my 2nd Pfizer shot back in April. Reminder: it’s not a HIPAA violation to talk about your vaccination status.
Employed? Yeah, still employed. I actually got promoted as of July 1 to Senior Manager. It was bittersweet as obviously I had no one to really celebrate it with. Maybe somewhere in the ether they’re proud of me.
Roof over my head? Still at the place Larry & I bought in the Valley. I’ve been making small changes here and there. The featured image here is me at the new dining room table I bought. It replaces the dining room table Larry & I bought when we first moved back here to LA in our swanky pad in Santa Monica – let’s look at pictures:

I got rid of Larry’s car back in March. Yeah, it took me a year plus to get rid of it. Some of the delay was due to auto title and registration nonsense Larry hadn’t taken care of for 10 years. Anyway, I called a local DMV-authorized small business that helped me get the rest of the way, and soon enough I was able to sell it to a pick-a-part. So the garage stopped being a constant reminder, and that was good.
We had mom’s memorial in May after it seemed a good majority of people could have gotten vaccinated that would likely attend. We held it in Royal Oaks Park in Duarte, which was near her house. It was a very nice event and Stacie and I think it would have made mom happy.

Physical health? Yoga was what I earnestly started last year after Larry’s death and continued doing it nearly every day as the pandemic continued. I’m thankful I did so, as I know it has helped my back (by strengthening my core) and it has helped as a way to meditate and chill every morning. I bought a Peloton this year and that has also become key to my fitness. I ride nearly 3-4 times a week and add in strength Peloton workouts as well, and I am feeling good.

Mental health? My grief group has been part of my life for the last year or so. It wraps up this week, and I’m sad about that, but it’s always been a year program. The hope is that our group continues unofficially meeting up, like going out to dinner or others’ homes every 2 weeks. The others in this group are the only other ones who have the same shared experience and can really understand the utter despair and heartbreak the others feel. It’s quite a thing to have them in my life. I also started seeing a therapist one-on-one earlier this year when things just weren’t good. It’s been a good decision to take part in that. By no means does it solve anything but it does help me have perspective and tether me back to something.
My friends have kept me alive this past 18 months. What else can I say? Nicki was my pandemic pod and one of the very few people I saw in person for much of 2020. It’s hard to imagine making it alive without her last year. Like Nicki, Michancy has also visited when she can and we make sure our bitchy levels stay in the red. I’m visiting her in Vegas soon, and maybe that’ll be my first “hey, pics I took” post in a while when I get back. Sveta and Mila I’ve finally been able to see more regularly now that we’re all vaccinated and I love them so much. We all were able to get together and have our own Sound of Music Sing-a-long at my house back near Memorial Day weekend. It was wonderful.

I think that’s enough for now. I know that if I let myself go I can end up writing an endless post and I don’t feel I need to capture everything that’s happened since when I wrote about mom’s death.

Maybe I’ll be back to this more regularly. It did feel nice to highlight some of the good stuff and acknowledge the painful things too in this post. I’m sad and lonely still, most days, but I’m trying to do what I can to make it not so bad. I see friends, work keeps me busy, and maybe I’ll start dating soon. I don’t know. I say that out loud and it just feels really weird to contemplate that. But that can be for another post.

just a post, on life

Rest in Peace, Mom

February 15, 2021 Hobie 1 Comment

My mom died on Sunday, February 7. It has been two years of watching this wonderful strong woman decline and succumb to dementia and years worth of health struggles. My heart has broken many times this past year starting with Larry’s death, but being able to do really nothing except keep her comfortable this past year has killed a part of me that will never come back. She was never the same woman she was after the surgery she had in January 2019, in which something triggered and broke something inside her. I not only had to watch as my husband struggled and fought to live in 2019, I was there while my mom seemingly forgot how to do that.

She isn’t summed up by what she became these last two years, and I won’t let that be what colors my love and memories of her. Just like Larry, I won’t let what their end was be all that defines them for me. She was my mom, someone who I loved and someone who will forever be that person that was always in my corner and loved me and supported me. She was that woman who when I came out to her in my late 20s immediately embraced me and let me know nothing had changed. She only ever wanted what was best for me and did everything she could to help make that happen. I tried to return that love and care in the later years, after Harv died, and I hope I was able to.

I know that after Harv’s death, it was not the same for her. The love of her life had gone, and now it was up to her to rebuild something new. At 65, that isn’t the easiest thing to do. But she did, and she joined Silver Sneakers at the YMCA and made some friends. I was so proud of her to not only get out there and exercise, but to be social and just find something new.

Growing up, she was such an instrumental force in me becoming who I am. Her hobbies became mine: reading, watching musicals (Cabaret! Sound of Music!) and sappy movies (Somewhere in Time! International Velvet!), music, drawing, studies…. These were all formative things that still drive me and provide me some kind of comfort. And she provided this for me while going through a divorce, moving us out back to Southern California, staying with family to get back on her feet, and doing everything she could to make sure we’d be okay. She ended up meeting Harv and they fell in love, and eventually they married and I had a stepdad and step-siblings and more. I now had a ‘staircase’-sister, Stacie, who became just sister over the last 35+ years. Mom and Harv built a life, found their own successes and were able to build a home together in Monrovia, where I got to grow up and thrive with friends I still have to this day from MHS. They ended up able to finally buy a home in Duarte, which just 10 years before would have seemed impossible.

Mom had a hard childhood but managed to fight for a bright adulthood. Full of ups and downs, it was a good life for many years. I hate that her body and mind betrayed her in the end, and that these last two years are what happened to her. I’d say it’s not fair, and I mean that, but I also know the concept of fairness is stupid to apply here. But I have a lot of anger and sadness at the way this all happened at once, and I’ll have to learn to let go of that over time. I’ve lost my husband and mom in the course of a year, and I can’t help but feel sadness, anger, occasional despair and enormous resentment at what life has turned into lately.

Those feelings are for another post, but they’re part of this. Just not the only part. I loved my mom, I know she loved me, and I miss her so fucking terribly. I’ve missed her for two years to be honest, but knowing it’s final just hurts in a different way. I can only hope she’s reunited with Harv in some way and maybe even is able to send my love to Larry.

I know where she wanted to be laid to rest and that will come in the next few months. I’m not sure what I’m doing about a memorial just yet as this COVID nightmare makes things a whole lot more challenging.

I love you, Mom, and I hope you’re finally at peace. Of anyone, you deserve so much of that.

just a post, on life, pictures, pop culture

A Good Day

August 16, 2020 Hobie Leave a comment

Yesterday was a good day. Unexpectedly a good day. I had made a plan to do a slow-cooker recipe for carnitas, and that honestly was the expectation for the day, in addtion to playing Railway Empire and Horizon Zero Dawn (which both are awesome and I’m obsessed). I got the morning started off right with some yoga (I’m honestly past counting the days anymore as it is a daily habit now, and I intend for it to be that way from here on out), and then I got the slow-cooking started.

Slow-Cooking Carnitas – Aug 16, 2020

Larry would’ve been proud. Used a pork butt that ButcherBox had sent to me (I’m still not sure what else to do with a pork butt besides carnitas), then got the mise-en-place done and about 8 hours later, I had delicious carnitas for dinner. SOOO GOOD.

The main thing though that made the day surprisingly good was that I was taking some supplies over to the home where my mom is living. It has been off limits for visitors so I expected I’d just get to drop the stuff off in the lobby but when I got there, guess what, apparently I should’ve read my emails from them as visitors are allowed again as long as you have a mask. So I got to see mom again for the first time in over 5 months. Even typing that just makes me sad. She didn’t even recognize me at first as she obviously wasn’t expecting me there either – I had Gatorade in hand and she asked me to put some in the refrigerator and then asked a nurse for her phone to call me and then she realized it was me. We hugged but I kept the mask on as it’s still an issue. We spent some time together but neither of us are long-term visit folks, so I left and we knew that I’d come back the next weekend. I took some pics of us together but she asked me not to post anything so I won’t. But I really was glad to get to see her.

The evening was good as I had an amazing dinner and then I went and set up the rooftop cinema for another movie:

It felt appropriate to watch it as it was definitely one of those movies that my mom and I watched endlessly when I was growing up. The soundtrack is still the best. Footloose was already in my head to watch again as the Number Ones article series this past week was in 1984 when “Footloose” the song topped the charts. Anyway, it was a fun way to end a good day.

What Else is Going on Besides Yesterday?

A lot of not much? But I’m passing the time. Most importantly and awesomely, Big Brother is back. I’ve of course been posting about this All Stars season as it’s just something new but also something I have loved for so long. I’m sad Larry isn’t able to enjoy it with me (despite his annoyance it he always would get sucked in). I do have my friends Mel, Nicki, and Sarah to text about it while episodes are going on, so that’s fun.

With Nicki visiting frequently on weekends, we’ve taken to playing the hell out of Ticket to Ride, and so I’ve gone and bought some of the board game expansions for it. We will have our enjoyment, dammit!

I re-discovered this picture of Larry from when we lived in Santa Monica (March 2013). It was when Stacie and Trent had come over for the day and he was cooking dinner. Larry looks so handsome here and has a great big smile while doing what he was amazing at, cooking and entertaining.

It’s my phone background now. It makes me happy.

I’m going in reverse-chronological order through my pictures since my last post and while if I was better about frequent posting the pics would make it, now it’s like, eh, no need. But I did try another recipe in mid July that was a Larry special: the cajun chicken pasta recipe modeled on what Chili’s makes. It’s soooo good. Larry had the recipe in Paprika and I decided to go for it. Honestly, it was really good, but not as good as he made it. But I can always try again. I was really happy to play with cooking chicken breasts though – butterflying them and then frying them on the stove makes them taste so delicious with a proper seasoning on them!

Cajun Chicken Pasta via Me – July 19, 2020

BTW, when Jon & Alyssa were out for last Thanksgiving, Jon, Michancy, and I went to pick up supplies. One of the stops was Mission Wine & Liquor and thank GOD for that journey as it really is one of those fantastic liquor stores that actually carries a ton of wine with many options and always always has the MONTEPULCIANO. I don’t think I need wine.com anymore although I did make sure to get my money back on that membership that gets your complimentary shipping!

Superman & Sound of Music – July 16, 2020

Watching movies on the roofdeck is awesome. It’s a little bit of work to get the screen up and the projector and sound all put in place, but it’s just so worth it. One night, I had it in me to want to see Superman up on the roof, because it’s awesome. It’s also long, and I made an intermission for myself as I was getting a little tired. I had posted a little about that online and Wendy brought up that maybe I could have The Sound of Music on the roof this year? Part of me reeeeally wants to have that singalong here, but part of me is also like, is that irresponsible? I don’t know what the best answer is. I could see having a few people, maybe? But it’s like, I think we could wait too. I don’t know. But for a moment I was excited and I decided to watch a few scenes from TSOM to make sure it worked up there! I also discovered you really can’t go up and watch anything until it’s actually dark. lol

I guess one last picture set to put up is actually what I ended up doing the night of my last posting, which was back on July 12. I set up the movie theater again for myself (knowing how to do it was half the battle!) and watched The Empire Strikes Back which was having its 40th anniversary and amusingly was the #1 movie in the nation that weekend because everything else is shut down. It’s quite awesome to watch on a big screen!

The Empire Strikes Back – July 12, 2020

One weekend when Nicki was here, we watched The Goonies up on the roof deck, so it’s been fun to watch some classics in that venue!

Those are the main pictures I’ve got. Everything else? Work is work, so that’s good. I dream about Larry every now and then, and it’s nice. Sometimes I want to post about those dreams so I can remember them later, but I usually don’t. Some have been funny – a while ago I dreamt about us trying to get a table at brunch and it was so vivid. Sometimes I can vaguely remember that he’s actually dead while in the dream and it makes it that much more surreal. Like, do I tell him?

Alright, I think I’m caught up. It’s close to September. It’s crazy to believe Larry’s death was over 7 months ago. I can’t really understand that 5 months have been lost just being stuck at home. It’s fucking stupid and I hate it because if our nation had had a coordinated response that made the pain last just 1-2 solid months, we’d likely be in a position now to be rolling things out properly. But no, that’s not this country. We’ve got “freedom” to act as selfishly as we want and god forbid your “freedoms” are infringed upon by being asked to wear a mask. People are just so fucking dumb. We deserve all that we are getting.

just a post, on life, pop culture

“All Out of Love”

May 11, 2020 Hobie Leave a comment

I know this is a sappy title, and while yes, my heart is utterly broken still by everything that’s going on, I’m not necessarily saying I’m “All out of Love.” The issue is that Air Supply is in my head because one of their songs, “The One That You Love” is the #1 song in the current Number Ones article, and jesus that song is awful. The video though, if you can deal with the song, is pure 1981 distilled into it’s heroin form, or so I’ve heard from “20/20”.

Anyway, Larry loved him some OTT melodramatic songs, and Air Supply was a band that provided those by the metric fuckton in the early 80s. “All Out of Love” is simply fantastic, and is definitely the song I think of when I think of Air Supply.

It hits all of Larry’s song requirements, especially the powerful chorus allowing you to really belt the song out. I miss Larry for different reasons at different times, and this morning I miss his singing. He had a wonderful voice and really could hit those notes. Anyway, as I sing along to it today, I get verklempt, but not inconsolable. I’ve noticed a lot of love songs can work as grieving songs, except for the part where it’s just that the object of your affection thinks you’re nuts and isn’t dead. I’m both happy and sad singing this song, in other words.

Yesterday (Mother’s Day) was a rough day for me. I’ve told that to those who I talked to yesterday – and it was noticeably harder because I wasn’t prepared for it to be hard. I first woke up and stumbled upon this article in social media, and damn, it hit hard, as yeah, many of these exact moments were ones we felt (and are still feeling).

Great way to start the day. Then I tried calling mom with Stacie and she wouldn’t pick up the phone. Gave up trying to talk to her with Stacie and repeatedly called, hoping she’d pick up. Finally, after about 6 tries, she calls me back, without any sense of impatience or annoyance. Just, her default state nowadays. All that time waiting had already built my anxiety and emotions up and I couldn’t help but start crying on the phone. She obviously was now aware I was not doing okay, and after talking for about 90 seconds (our average phone call time, nowadays), we disconnected.

I hadn’t really anticipated how much mom’s incapacity was going to hit me yesterday, so it came on like a freight train. I was not good for most of the day. I resent all those who still have a semblance of family that cares, that is still coherent, even in quarantine. Seeing all the social media posts made me rage and cry and yeah, I cried a helluva lot yesterday. It all sucks. My friends and Stacie called me and that definitely helped – even just getting some of these emotions out, as painful as they are, helps.

It wasn’t until last night that I kind of turned the corner, when I started making dinner. I hadn’t made one of the Instant Pot recipes since quarantine had started, and I wanted to do my fave, which is the Coq au Vin recipe. I had ordered groceries via Instacart on Saturday, and they arrived Sunday morning, so I had everything I needed. The mise en place always takes the longest time, but I managed to not fuck it up. Watched videos on how to clean and slice a leek, as well as how to quarter a mushroom. I was chatting with my friends during this time, and once I started cooking, I had opened my windows. Across the way, my neighbors were also cooking, and we ended up having a brief conversation. Having that really short moment of interaction, in person (but separate), was like a revelation. It helped so much. Other people interactions. Go figure. The dinner turned out fantastic, and while I was taking photos of all the prep and cooking, I ended up having a FaceTime dinner with Nicki so I actually didn’t take a picture of the finished product. D’oh.

Mise en place all done – ready for cooking

Drink the wine you cook with

Distilling the “pancetta” grease for use later

Cooking the chicken was the “Later” for the bacon grease

mmm…Leftover bacon pieces

Well, it’s back to the grind today. An emotional day yesterday, but made it through. The rest of the weekend is kind of a blur, tbh. I played a lot of both Anno 2205 and Anno 1800, watched more of the The Clone Wars series (it’s so fucking good it’s shocking), watched Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Spiderman: Homecoming and ate food. Go, me.

on life, pictures

Another Tough Stage

March 1, 2020 Hobie Leave a comment

Obviously my last year and a half have been difficult, because obviously what Larry was going through and doing what we all could to fight for his survival and then make his death as comfortable as able. There’s been another aspect of my life that has been very hard to deal with that ran concurrently with all of the above, and that’s about my mom.

Last January (in 2019), she ended up having to get fairly emergency surgery on her neck as the discs in her vertebrae were pressing against her spinal column. It had manifested already in her having numb hands and feet, but it wasn’t sure what was causing that. It could have been carpal tunnel and docs weren’t quite sure. But when she went to the hairdresser and was getting laid down into the hair sink, her legs gave out as something pressed just too much on the spinal column during that action. At the hospital, the neurologist was able to see surgery was necessary to release the pressure on her spinal cord or else much worse damage was to come. The surgery to replace the discs and reduce the pressure was successful, although it didn’t really undo the numbness in her hands and feet. Recovery was unfortunately necessary but it couldn’t be at the hospital, so we had to find a convalescent acute care facility for her. Needless to say, that was a lot of stress for her. 2 weeks of that, and then she went home. By then, she was already stressed out about her neck and head, and had a collar to keep her from moving it too much.

Going home was a whole scary event, but Stacie and I had gotten a caregiver service to be there 24/7 for her while she recovered. Well, that basically kept her going but her anxiety and paranoia only got worse and got to the point where she stopped eating and sleeping because she was sure a piece of cheese was stuck in her throat and that if she slept, she’d stop breathing and die. A trip to a psychiatrist got her drugs that calmed that anxiety down. This was in March and it had been an exhausting time for all of us.

Throughout the rest of the year, instead of getting better and feeling more secure, she only got more scared about everything. It took 2 months before she let us take the collar off her neck, which had absolutely not been necessary that long. She refused to go upstairs and sleep as it was scary. So she lived on the ground floor in the living room, sleeping on the couch. She started to forget short term things, things that we had just talked about. She couldn’t manage her own medications anymore, and wouldn’t go out with the caregivers to the store as she was afraid of falling. She became utterly dependent on the walker we had gotten her, and her posture became the worse for wear and she wouldn’t walk upright as she was afraid she’d fall. She stopped doing physical therapy, she stopped going upstairs at all for the shower, and she won’t watch anything but a few channels of TV as that’s I guess the only things she will watch where she won’t feel bad? No movies, none of her other regular shows, just game show network and HGTV.

Visiting her was always bittersweet this year. She does have memories and does know who we are. But she’s been completely crippled by her fear, and some obsessive compulsive behaviors about food, sleeping, and moving that we are helpless to break at this point.

I’ve sped through what has happened this past year because it’s not necessary to detail the decline each day. Who she was last January compared to now is shocking. Stacie and I had talked about a home, but it wasn’t a giant priority at the time as I had to deal with Larry and Stacie was out of town starting her new career. But now it’s time to act. We visited some assisted living homes this past Friday, and found one that we both think she’ll be good in. It makes me so sad to even realize I have to do this for someone who is only 71, but it’s no longer safe or beneficial for her to live at home and have a caregiver there. I went yesterday, meeting Stacie there, to talk to mom about this decision. We’d had discussions about it with her before, and of course the conversations were never great, but I think she always understood it was for her safety and benefit, even if she really wasn’t a huge fan of going. But it’s time now. She listened and understood, although of course you could tell it wasn’t great news for her.

I don’t really have any other options except to do this. It will sound defensive of me to say, but fuck any of you who think this is me pawning off some kind of responsibility to give up my life and become her caregiver. To be frank, I made a choice with Larry, and I had to do all that with him at the end. I’m done with that. I’m not qualified or willing to be a nurse, clean her shit, shower her and feed her. Maybe there are others who would happily do that and to them I say god bless. But fuck you if you think I’m now obligated to have to basically end my life doing this for the rest of what “youth” I do have. I welcome your judgment though, and can’t wait to tell you, if you do have that thought, to go fuck yourself. Where have you been this last year to help? No one has been there for her, not her sisters, no one besides Stacie and me. So yeah, get the fuck out of here if you think you’re going to judge me.

Having said that! Yesterday after talking with mom, I left with Sveta. She had come with me as I needed a witness for some paperwork to sign, and on the way back, we thought maybe to go grab some food. So we went to Burger Basket, a place from our Monrovia childhoods. Then after that, we made our way to Pasadena for a brief Starbucks stop, meandered around the Best Buy, and then drove to Michaels for some craft stuff as I’m trying to figure out what to do with me and Larry’s rings. We then drove to Old Town Pasadena for a nice afternoon drinking at Rocco’s and shopping along the street. We both got new sunglasses, and I got a new duvet cover for the bed, and bought some clothes at Lucky Brand. All in all, a nice afternoon for what had been a pretty stressful week. Then that night, I went to an absolutely hilarious improv show at the Largo called Middleditch and Schwartz. Best improv I’ve ever seen, and ridiculously funny.

Anyway, I love you, mom, and I’m sorry what this last year has been for you. I honestly think there’s a good chance you’ll be happy at this new place when we do this, and you’ll get some good chances for socializing, security knowing someone is always there, and just having that comfort.