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“All Out of Love”

I know this is a sappy title, and while yes, my heart is utterly broken still by everything that’s going on, I’m not necessarily saying I’m “All out of Love.”  The issue is that Air Supply is in my head because one of their songs, “The One That You Love” is the #1 song in the current Number Ones article, and jesus that song is awful.   The video though, if you can deal with the song, is pure 1981 distilled into it’s heroin form, or so I’ve heard from “20/20”.

Anyway, Larry loved him some OTT melodramatic songs, and Air Supply was a band that provided those by the metric fuckton in the early 80s.   “All Out of Love” is simply fantastic, and is definitely the song I think of when I think of Air Supply.

It hits all of Larry’s song requirements, especially the powerful chorus allowing you to really belt the song out.  I miss Larry for different reasons at different times, and this morning I miss his singing.   He had a wonderful voice and really could hit those notes.   Anyway, as I sing along to it today, I get verklempt, but not inconsolable.  I’ve noticed a lot of love songs can work as grieving songs, except for the part where it’s just that the object of your affection thinks you’re nuts and isn’t dead.  I’m both happy and sad singing this song, in other words.

Yesterday (Mother’s Day) was a rough day for me.  I’ve told that to those who I talked to yesterday – and it was noticeably harder because I wasn’t prepared for it to be hard.   I first woke up and stumbled upon this article in social media, and damn, it hit hard, as yeah, many of these exact moments were ones we felt (and are still feeling).

Great way to start the day.   Then I tried calling mom with Stacie and she wouldn’t pick up the phone.  Gave up trying to talk to her with Stacie and repeatedly called, hoping she’d pick up.  Finally, after about 6 tries, she calls me back, without any sense of impatience or annoyance.   Just, her default state nowadays.   All that time waiting had already built my anxiety and emotions up and I couldn’t help but start crying on the phone.  She obviously was now aware I was not doing okay, and after talking for about 90 seconds (our average phone call time, nowadays), we disconnected.

I hadn’t really anticipated how much mom’s incapacity was going to hit me yesterday, so it came on like a freight train.   I was not good for most of the day.  I resent all those who still have a semblance of family that cares, that is still coherent, even in quarantine.   Seeing all the social media posts made me rage and cry and yeah, I cried a helluva lot yesterday.  It all sucks.   My friends and Stacie called me and that definitely helped – even just getting some of these emotions out, as painful as they are, helps.

It wasn’t until last night that I kind of turned the corner, when I started making dinner.   I hadn’t made one of the Instant Pot recipes since quarantine had started, and I wanted to do my fave, which is the Coq au Vin recipe.   I had ordered groceries via Instacart on Saturday, and they arrived Sunday morning, so I had everything I needed.   The mise en place always takes the longest time, but I managed to not fuck it up.  Watched videos on how to clean and slice a leek, as well as how to quarter a mushroom.   I was chatting with my friends during this time, and once I started cooking, I had opened my windows.   Across the way, my neighbors were also cooking, and we ended up having a brief conversation.  Having that really short moment of interaction, in person (but separate), was like a revelation.  It helped so much.  Other people interactions.  Go figure.  The dinner turned out fantastic, and while I was taking photos of all the prep and cooking, I ended up having a FaceTime dinner with Nicki so I actually didn’t take a picture of the finished product. D’oh.

Well, it’s back to the grind today.  An emotional day yesterday, but made it through.   The rest of the weekend is kind of a blur, tbh.   I played a lot of both Anno 2205 and Anno 1800, watched more of the The Clone Wars series (it’s so fucking good it’s shocking), watched Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Spiderman: Homecoming and ate food.  Go, me.

Wedding Album and Chicken Cacciatore

This was a nicer day.  Larry had some energy.   We’ve been trying to start days off with more energy for him by taking an Ensure Max in the morning.  Here’s hoping that it works.  We watched Once Upon a Time in Hollywood with Fran, and she liked it.  Great movie.  Nicki was coming over this night, and Fran suggested that we cook something in the Instapot, and she chose Chicken Cacciatore.  I think I may have been hesitant about the recipe due to all the vegetables, but damn, we all worked together to get the recipe done, including Larry, and including Nicki, and despite a small scare when a notice of ‘burn’ showed up on the Instapot’s screen (which comes up if you didn’t properly scrape the bottom of the container before starting pressure cooking), the food came out amazingly.  Amazingly.  I even ate all the mushrooms, onions, and bell peppers in it!   ME!  It was nice to have that night with everyone.  Take the happy moments where we can.  We then watched ‘Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood’ via Nicki’s screeners and it is a good movie – Mr Rogers plays a role in it, but he’s there almost as a guardian angels to the protagonist of the movie, who is going through all kinds of family drama including resentment, grief, anger and ultimately death.  Hard movie to watch at moments for obvious reasons.

On a side note, I was able to complete the wedding album – I think it came out wonderfully.  Got some advice from Nicki and she saw it and loved it.  I ordered 3 copies – one for me/Larry, one for Fran, and also one for Nicki.  I’ve paid an exorbitant amount of money to hopefully have it in hand by Dec 24, but we’ll see.

Instapot Fun

Larry (and Fran) had gotten me an Instapot for my birthday – and we got to put it to good use the first week.   I had been so motivated by the cookbook I saw at the Barnes & Noble back in New Jersey that I got the cookbook first without even having an Instapot, that once we finally did have it, we had to dive in.   As you’ll see, it was successful and a lot of fun for us – I don’t think Larry expected me to be so into it, as cooking was more his thing and not mine.   But I loved the gimmick of cooking all in one pot.  Of course the mise en place is where all the real work goes.  These two meals took place a few days apart – unfortunately we had a worrisome time in between as Larry’s abdomen started to swell and City of Hope basically got very concerned about what was happening.   It’s so fucking unfair what happened, as I write about this in March 2020.  Fuck all of it.

First Recipe – Chicken Tikka Masala, Oct 26, 2019:

Second Recipe – Coq Au Vin, Oct 29, 2019: