I know this is a sappy title, and while yes, my heart is utterly broken still by everything that’s going on, I’m not necessarily saying I’m “All out of Love.” The issue is that Air Supply is in my head because one of their songs, “The One That You Love” is the #1 song in the current Number Ones article, and jesus that song is awful. The video though, if you can deal with the song, is pure 1981 distilled into it’s heroin form, or so I’ve heard from “20/20”.
Anyway, Larry loved him some OTT melodramatic songs, and Air Supply was a band that provided those by the metric fuckton in the early 80s. “All Out of Love” is simply fantastic, and is definitely the song I think of when I think of Air Supply.
It hits all of Larry’s song requirements, especially the powerful chorus allowing you to really belt the song out. I miss Larry for different reasons at different times, and this morning I miss his singing. He had a wonderful voice and really could hit those notes. Anyway, as I sing along to it today, I get verklempt, but not inconsolable. I’ve noticed a lot of love songs can work as grieving songs, except for the part where it’s just that the object of your affection thinks you’re nuts and isn’t dead. I’m both happy and sad singing this song, in other words.
Yesterday (Mother’s Day) was a rough day for me. I’ve told that to those who I talked to yesterday – and it was noticeably harder because I wasn’t prepared for it to be hard. I first woke up and stumbled upon this article in social media, and damn, it hit hard, as yeah, many of these exact moments were ones we felt (and are still feeling).
Great way to start the day. Then I tried calling mom with Stacie and she wouldn’t pick up the phone. Gave up trying to talk to her with Stacie and repeatedly called, hoping she’d pick up. Finally, after about 6 tries, she calls me back, without any sense of impatience or annoyance. Just, her default state nowadays. All that time waiting had already built my anxiety and emotions up and I couldn’t help but start crying on the phone. She obviously was now aware I was not doing okay, and after talking for about 90 seconds (our average phone call time, nowadays), we disconnected.
I hadn’t really anticipated how much mom’s incapacity was going to hit me yesterday, so it came on like a freight train. I was not good for most of the day. I resent all those who still have a semblance of family that cares, that is still coherent, even in quarantine. Seeing all the social media posts made me rage and cry and yeah, I cried a helluva lot yesterday. It all sucks. My friends and Stacie called me and that definitely helped – even just getting some of these emotions out, as painful as they are, helps.
It wasn’t until last night that I kind of turned the corner, when I started making dinner. I hadn’t made one of the Instant Pot recipes since quarantine had started, and I wanted to do my fave, which is the Coq au Vin recipe. I had ordered groceries via Instacart on Saturday, and they arrived Sunday morning, so I had everything I needed. The mise en place always takes the longest time, but I managed to not fuck it up. Watched videos on how to clean and slice a leek, as well as how to quarter a mushroom. I was chatting with my friends during this time, and once I started cooking, I had opened my windows. Across the way, my neighbors were also cooking, and we ended up having a brief conversation. Having that really short moment of interaction, in person (but separate), was like a revelation. It helped so much. Other people interactions. Go figure. The dinner turned out fantastic, and while I was taking photos of all the prep and cooking, I ended up having a FaceTime dinner with Nicki so I actually didn’t take a picture of the finished product. D’oh.
Well, it’s back to the grind today. An emotional day yesterday, but made it through. The rest of the weekend is kind of a blur, tbh. I played a lot of both Anno 2205 and Anno 1800, watched more of the The Clone Wars series (it’s so fucking good it’s shocking), watched Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Spiderman: Homecoming and ate food. Go, me.