Category Archives: just a post

Hey

July 25, 2021 Hobie Leave a comment

It’s been another long stretch of time since I updated this here blog. I do in fact visit it periodically to look at memories or pictures when something triggers it, but my motivation to actually put something new here has been basically gone. Why remember this period of time? Almost all the posts I’ve done before were because I wanted to try to capture the fun, the joy, the travels, the moments… but when you don’t have those all that much anymore, and every day feels exactly the same as before, that’s when it’s harder to come back to this blank screen and type something up.

You’d think maybe Big Brother was what brought me back, and no, not really. But I will say that I’ve really been enjoying BB23 this season so far (entering week 3 and I don’t consider the season a dumpster fire so yay). It’s nice to have it around to look forward to during the summer.

Honestly what brought me back is a conversation I have with my therapist periodically, which is writing is good for me. I’m good at writing. I like writing. Maybe I just need to get back on the wagon and try. So here I am, writing again.

Some quick hits:

Vaccinated? Hell yeah I am, having got my 2nd Pfizer shot back in April. Reminder: it’s not a HIPAA violation to talk about your vaccination status.
Employed? Yeah, still employed. I actually got promoted as of July 1 to Senior Manager. It was bittersweet as obviously I had no one to really celebrate it with. Maybe somewhere in the ether they’re proud of me.
Roof over my head? Still at the place Larry & I bought in the Valley. I’ve been making small changes here and there. The featured image here is me at the new dining room table I bought. It replaces the dining room table Larry & I bought when we first moved back here to LA in our swanky pad in Santa Monica – let’s look at pictures:

I got rid of Larry’s car back in March. Yeah, it took me a year plus to get rid of it. Some of the delay was due to auto title and registration nonsense Larry hadn’t taken care of for 10 years. Anyway, I called a local DMV-authorized small business that helped me get the rest of the way, and soon enough I was able to sell it to a pick-a-part. So the garage stopped being a constant reminder, and that was good.
We had mom’s memorial in May after it seemed a good majority of people could have gotten vaccinated that would likely attend. We held it in Royal Oaks Park in Duarte, which was near her house. It was a very nice event and Stacie and I think it would have made mom happy.

Physical health? Yoga was what I earnestly started last year after Larry’s death and continued doing it nearly every day as the pandemic continued. I’m thankful I did so, as I know it has helped my back (by strengthening my core) and it has helped as a way to meditate and chill every morning. I bought a Peloton this year and that has also become key to my fitness. I ride nearly 3-4 times a week and add in strength Peloton workouts as well, and I am feeling good.

Mental health? My grief group has been part of my life for the last year or so. It wraps up this week, and I’m sad about that, but it’s always been a year program. The hope is that our group continues unofficially meeting up, like going out to dinner or others’ homes every 2 weeks. The others in this group are the only other ones who have the same shared experience and can really understand the utter despair and heartbreak the others feel. It’s quite a thing to have them in my life. I also started seeing a therapist one-on-one earlier this year when things just weren’t good. It’s been a good decision to take part in that. By no means does it solve anything but it does help me have perspective and tether me back to something.
My friends have kept me alive this past 18 months. What else can I say? Nicki was my pandemic pod and one of the very few people I saw in person for much of 2020. It’s hard to imagine making it alive without her last year. Like Nicki, Michancy has also visited when she can and we make sure our bitchy levels stay in the red. I’m visiting her in Vegas soon, and maybe that’ll be my first “hey, pics I took” post in a while when I get back. Sveta and Mila I’ve finally been able to see more regularly now that we’re all vaccinated and I love them so much. We all were able to get together and have our own Sound of Music Sing-a-long at my house back near Memorial Day weekend. It was wonderful.

I think that’s enough for now. I know that if I let myself go I can end up writing an endless post and I don’t feel I need to capture everything that’s happened since when I wrote about mom’s death.

Maybe I’ll be back to this more regularly. It did feel nice to highlight some of the good stuff and acknowledge the painful things too in this post. I’m sad and lonely still, most days, but I’m trying to do what I can to make it not so bad. I see friends, work keeps me busy, and maybe I’ll start dating soon. I don’t know. I say that out loud and it just feels really weird to contemplate that. But that can be for another post.

just a post, on life

Rest in Peace, Mom

February 15, 2021 Hobie 1 Comment

My mom died on Sunday, February 7. It has been two years of watching this wonderful strong woman decline and succumb to dementia and years worth of health struggles. My heart has broken many times this past year starting with Larry’s death, but being able to do really nothing except keep her comfortable this past year has killed a part of me that will never come back. She was never the same woman she was after the surgery she had in January 2019, in which something triggered and broke something inside her. I not only had to watch as my husband struggled and fought to live in 2019, I was there while my mom seemingly forgot how to do that.

She isn’t summed up by what she became these last two years, and I won’t let that be what colors my love and memories of her. Just like Larry, I won’t let what their end was be all that defines them for me. She was my mom, someone who I loved and someone who will forever be that person that was always in my corner and loved me and supported me. She was that woman who when I came out to her in my late 20s immediately embraced me and let me know nothing had changed. She only ever wanted what was best for me and did everything she could to help make that happen. I tried to return that love and care in the later years, after Harv died, and I hope I was able to.

I know that after Harv’s death, it was not the same for her. The love of her life had gone, and now it was up to her to rebuild something new. At 65, that isn’t the easiest thing to do. But she did, and she joined Silver Sneakers at the YMCA and made some friends. I was so proud of her to not only get out there and exercise, but to be social and just find something new.

Growing up, she was such an instrumental force in me becoming who I am. Her hobbies became mine: reading, watching musicals (Cabaret! Sound of Music!) and sappy movies (Somewhere in Time! International Velvet!), music, drawing, studies…. These were all formative things that still drive me and provide me some kind of comfort. And she provided this for me while going through a divorce, moving us out back to Southern California, staying with family to get back on her feet, and doing everything she could to make sure we’d be okay. She ended up meeting Harv and they fell in love, and eventually they married and I had a stepdad and step-siblings and more. I now had a ‘staircase’-sister, Stacie, who became just sister over the last 35+ years. Mom and Harv built a life, found their own successes and were able to build a home together in Monrovia, where I got to grow up and thrive with friends I still have to this day from MHS. They ended up able to finally buy a home in Duarte, which just 10 years before would have seemed impossible.

Mom had a hard childhood but managed to fight for a bright adulthood. Full of ups and downs, it was a good life for many years. I hate that her body and mind betrayed her in the end, and that these last two years are what happened to her. I’d say it’s not fair, and I mean that, but I also know the concept of fairness is stupid to apply here. But I have a lot of anger and sadness at the way this all happened at once, and I’ll have to learn to let go of that over time. I’ve lost my husband and mom in the course of a year, and I can’t help but feel sadness, anger, occasional despair and enormous resentment at what life has turned into lately.

Those feelings are for another post, but they’re part of this. Just not the only part. I loved my mom, I know she loved me, and I miss her so fucking terribly. I’ve missed her for two years to be honest, but knowing it’s final just hurts in a different way. I can only hope she’s reunited with Harv in some way and maybe even is able to send my love to Larry.

I know where she wanted to be laid to rest and that will come in the next few months. I’m not sure what I’m doing about a memorial just yet as this COVID nightmare makes things a whole lot more challenging.

I love you, Mom, and I hope you’re finally at peace. Of anyone, you deserve so much of that.

just a post, on life, pictures, pop culture

A Good Day

August 16, 2020 Hobie Leave a comment

Yesterday was a good day. Unexpectedly a good day. I had made a plan to do a slow-cooker recipe for carnitas, and that honestly was the expectation for the day, in addtion to playing Railway Empire and Horizon Zero Dawn (which both are awesome and I’m obsessed). I got the morning started off right with some yoga (I’m honestly past counting the days anymore as it is a daily habit now, and I intend for it to be that way from here on out), and then I got the slow-cooking started.

Slow-Cooking Carnitas – Aug 16, 2020

Larry would’ve been proud. Used a pork butt that ButcherBox had sent to me (I’m still not sure what else to do with a pork butt besides carnitas), then got the mise-en-place done and about 8 hours later, I had delicious carnitas for dinner. SOOO GOOD.

The main thing though that made the day surprisingly good was that I was taking some supplies over to the home where my mom is living. It has been off limits for visitors so I expected I’d just get to drop the stuff off in the lobby but when I got there, guess what, apparently I should’ve read my emails from them as visitors are allowed again as long as you have a mask. So I got to see mom again for the first time in over 5 months. Even typing that just makes me sad. She didn’t even recognize me at first as she obviously wasn’t expecting me there either – I had Gatorade in hand and she asked me to put some in the refrigerator and then asked a nurse for her phone to call me and then she realized it was me. We hugged but I kept the mask on as it’s still an issue. We spent some time together but neither of us are long-term visit folks, so I left and we knew that I’d come back the next weekend. I took some pics of us together but she asked me not to post anything so I won’t. But I really was glad to get to see her.

The evening was good as I had an amazing dinner and then I went and set up the rooftop cinema for another movie:

It felt appropriate to watch it as it was definitely one of those movies that my mom and I watched endlessly when I was growing up. The soundtrack is still the best. Footloose was already in my head to watch again as the Number Ones article series this past week was in 1984 when “Footloose” the song topped the charts. Anyway, it was a fun way to end a good day.

What Else is Going on Besides Yesterday?

A lot of not much? But I’m passing the time. Most importantly and awesomely, Big Brother is back. I’ve of course been posting about this All Stars season as it’s just something new but also something I have loved for so long. I’m sad Larry isn’t able to enjoy it with me (despite his annoyance it he always would get sucked in). I do have my friends Mel, Nicki, and Sarah to text about it while episodes are going on, so that’s fun.

With Nicki visiting frequently on weekends, we’ve taken to playing the hell out of Ticket to Ride, and so I’ve gone and bought some of the board game expansions for it. We will have our enjoyment, dammit!

I re-discovered this picture of Larry from when we lived in Santa Monica (March 2013). It was when Stacie and Trent had come over for the day and he was cooking dinner. Larry looks so handsome here and has a great big smile while doing what he was amazing at, cooking and entertaining.

It’s my phone background now. It makes me happy.

I’m going in reverse-chronological order through my pictures since my last post and while if I was better about frequent posting the pics would make it, now it’s like, eh, no need. But I did try another recipe in mid July that was a Larry special: the cajun chicken pasta recipe modeled on what Chili’s makes. It’s soooo good. Larry had the recipe in Paprika and I decided to go for it. Honestly, it was really good, but not as good as he made it. But I can always try again. I was really happy to play with cooking chicken breasts though – butterflying them and then frying them on the stove makes them taste so delicious with a proper seasoning on them!

Cajun Chicken Pasta via Me – July 19, 2020

BTW, when Jon & Alyssa were out for last Thanksgiving, Jon, Michancy, and I went to pick up supplies. One of the stops was Mission Wine & Liquor and thank GOD for that journey as it really is one of those fantastic liquor stores that actually carries a ton of wine with many options and always always has the MONTEPULCIANO. I don’t think I need wine.com anymore although I did make sure to get my money back on that membership that gets your complimentary shipping!

Superman & Sound of Music – July 16, 2020

Watching movies on the roofdeck is awesome. It’s a little bit of work to get the screen up and the projector and sound all put in place, but it’s just so worth it. One night, I had it in me to want to see Superman up on the roof, because it’s awesome. It’s also long, and I made an intermission for myself as I was getting a little tired. I had posted a little about that online and Wendy brought up that maybe I could have The Sound of Music on the roof this year? Part of me reeeeally wants to have that singalong here, but part of me is also like, is that irresponsible? I don’t know what the best answer is. I could see having a few people, maybe? But it’s like, I think we could wait too. I don’t know. But for a moment I was excited and I decided to watch a few scenes from TSOM to make sure it worked up there! I also discovered you really can’t go up and watch anything until it’s actually dark. lol

I guess one last picture set to put up is actually what I ended up doing the night of my last posting, which was back on July 12. I set up the movie theater again for myself (knowing how to do it was half the battle!) and watched The Empire Strikes Back which was having its 40th anniversary and amusingly was the #1 movie in the nation that weekend because everything else is shut down. It’s quite awesome to watch on a big screen!

The Empire Strikes Back – July 12, 2020

One weekend when Nicki was here, we watched The Goonies up on the roof deck, so it’s been fun to watch some classics in that venue!

Those are the main pictures I’ve got. Everything else? Work is work, so that’s good. I dream about Larry every now and then, and it’s nice. Sometimes I want to post about those dreams so I can remember them later, but I usually don’t. Some have been funny – a while ago I dreamt about us trying to get a table at brunch and it was so vivid. Sometimes I can vaguely remember that he’s actually dead while in the dream and it makes it that much more surreal. Like, do I tell him?

Alright, I think I’m caught up. It’s close to September. It’s crazy to believe Larry’s death was over 7 months ago. I can’t really understand that 5 months have been lost just being stuck at home. It’s fucking stupid and I hate it because if our nation had had a coordinated response that made the pain last just 1-2 solid months, we’d likely be in a position now to be rolling things out properly. But no, that’s not this country. We’ve got “freedom” to act as selfishly as we want and god forbid your “freedoms” are infringed upon by being asked to wear a mask. People are just so fucking dumb. We deserve all that we are getting.

just a post, social culture

Black Lives Matter

June 7, 2020 Hobie Leave a comment

As a white man, I know I have privilege just due to the color of my skin. It is not a surprise that across our country (hell, the world) massive protests are occurring against the police brutality and systemic racist policies in place that keep this 400+ year system in place. It’s always been rigged to favor whites and/or the rich, and things have only gotten glaringly worse with income inequality gap growing ever wider as policies are pushed by governments to enshrine that.

This video featuring Kimberly Jones is amazing – the end of the video has gone viral, but the entirety of this 7 minute video is quite worth watching:

I’ve been blown away by what’s going on. The shocking videos we see of police brutality, not just of George Floyd’s murder, but throughout our history, have desensitized us to the fearsome police force that has been put in place. I’d love to believe it’s just a few bad apples, but not enough good apples are doing anything about it to stop or improve things. I can’t write a dissertation on all that ails us as I do not have that experience or knowledge, but reading and listening and doing what I can (I’ve donated for money for bail funds, campaign fundraisers and more to help with the protests and to ensure that on November 3, we get that fucker out of office and most of his friends too) is where I’m at now.

This past Monday when we had our first curfew and that fucker threatened to use the military against American citizens (and yes, I say citizens and not just the “rioters” and “looters” – we can all see for ourselves that the police are NOT making a distinction between peaceful protesters and troublemakers) was not a good day for me. I got far too drunk and got really emotional about everything – not just our current fucked-up state, but Larry, my mom, the Covid pandemic…it’s all a lot to deal with, and it’s not like there’s an ending in sight. But I, as are we all, am persisting, with the help of friends, coworkers, and some family. Let’s hope and work so we can all through this together, in a better place.

geek stuff, just a post, on life, pictures, pop culture

5 Years Ago & 2001

May 29, 2020 Hobie Leave a comment

Today marks 5 years from the day when I asked Larry to marry me.

Engaged! (the whole story)

It had been a long time coming, and honestly long overdue on our part to finally make that leap, but we did. We leapt. And 11 months later, we got married. It was amazing times, and we had our life together, and then cancer came and ended it. I can mostly ignore the end months nowadays, but those memories don’t truly go away. It was awful. It makes me cry when I do think about it. I’ll never not cry when I think about that.

But the times before that, engaged or not, won’t be forgotten. I’ve got pictures, blog posts, memories to help me remember those good times. Nothing was ever perfect and I won’t claim that here, but god damn, it really was just wonderful to have found someone who got me. I got him. When we needed space we figured out how to reduce getting on the other’s nerves. We helped each other live more full lives. It wrecks me to know I won’t ever see him again.

Larry’s birthday is tomorrow. A group of friends and family will be getting together on a call to celebrate. Not everyone will be there, and I completely understand. I’m not even sure how I feel about it – I want to see people but “celebrating” his birthday doesn’t sound right – he’s dead. I just want him back and for the last 2 years to be undone. It’s naive.

I am not in the same emotional state as I was earlier this year. I don’t know how to really describe it. I am used to being alone more than I was. I guess old habits die hard, as yeah, I have been alone before Larry so it comes back to you. The bed is all mine. All this room is mine to manage, and not share. Cooking meals is up to me. If I get lazy, I can order and Larry isn’t there to mock my laziness. No one is. It’s just me. The scar tissue is building up. The good memories fill me with melancholy, but don’t hurt as much as they used to. The bad memories rip me apart as I mentioned above just as much as when they were new. I guess it’ll be about managing how to deal with that going forward.

I loved him so much. I will always be so happy we had that time together. He was the best husband I could have asked for.

I found myself reminiscing about times pre-Larry – basically, Air Force times. I dove into looking at Azores memories – especially as I realized that my site links to those primitive HTML pages and small-res pictures still. Those pages were also written when I was under DADT so it felt good to actually write a little bit more with that added context gone. I’m going to keep diving into these older pictures and keep updating, but here are some recent ones I’ve posted – good times had by all!

Halloween Party at the Salga House

An Initiation to Tropical Point

So young! I then also was thinking about my San Antonio summer in 2001 right before I left, and the fact that I jumped out of a plane that summer! What a trip. I found the official video that I bought through the company as it’s like, who knows if I’m doing this again? Let’s get the video!

It doesn’t look like there’s a previous time I posted pictures and such from that time, and I guess when I get to it, I’ll do a proper post there and include this video again. But it was too good to pass up and not show immediately. Again, the youth of me back then, and I remember how much I hated how I looked then. People are always so stupid about how they look – just give yourself 20 years and you’ll realize how cute you were!

A random thing that I was entertained by – while I’ve been heavily playing the game Anno 1800 (as it is amazing and addictive), I also work in occasional playtime of The Division 2, which I’ve talked about before. So, there’s an expansion that puts you back in NYC, the site of TD1, but this time in the southern tip of Manhattan. Anyway, you can wander around Battery Park and the Castle Clinton area, and I was doing that in the game when all of a sudden it looked and felt very familiar. It’s not surprising, as the videogame makers did a really good job of recreating the city, but it was particularly jarring. Then I remembered – oh yeah, Larry and I had walked around this park one day in February 2009. I didn’t have a post about it but I did take pictures! And I remembered a particular picture and was like, can I find that angle again in this game? Yes, yes I can.

So here are the pictures from that day (Feb 15, 2009) so long ago – note I had just moved into the city so I was totally a local by then.

It was a nice day for that kind of a walk, and memorable. And then I played the game, and you can take in-game photos:

Contrast with this:Crazy, huh? Well, it’s not insane, but I just remember tripping out realizing I’d taken pictures right there!

I’ve been keeping sane by still doing yoga – in fact, this was Day 96 straight of Yoga w/ Adriene. I’m currently doing her 30-day Dedicate series, and I gotta say, it’s a lot more intense than the previous programs. I like it.

TV-wise:

Devs: FANTASTIC. Very visual, very interesting, and highly compelling sci-fi that while the main premise is highly improbable, everything else around felt right at home in 2020.
The Clone Wars: Wrapped up my accelerated/targeted watch of this series and it was amazing. The story of Ahsoka is amazing. Obi Wan proves to be one of the more bad-ass Jedis, and I was here for it. Made parts of the follow-up series, Rebels, much more emotional.
What We Do in the Shadows: Season 2 is on fire, and it’s honestly one of the best comedies going. I love that crazy crew but every time Nadja speaks, I just laugh.
The Great: Another fucking amazing show, and while it may appear that it’s some kind of costume drama, oh boy you’d be wrong to overlook it. Loosely it’s the story of Catherine the Great while she’s still married to her husband, the Emperor Peter (not Peter the Great, who we all agree to hate as he was the subject of my Final Jeopardy question, agreed? HUZZAH!). It’s one of the funniest shows I’ve seen in quite a while, and the performances are all wonderful. You’ll love it.

Alright, this post had a lot of schizophrenia in it. That’s me lately. Up, down, all around. Stay safe.