It’s been another long stretch of time since I updated this here blog. I do in fact visit it periodically to look at memories or pictures when something triggers it, but my motivation to actually put something new here has been basically gone. Why remember this period of time? Almost all the posts I’ve done before were because I wanted to try to capture the fun, the joy, the travels, the moments… but when you don’t have those all that much anymore, and every day feels exactly the same as before, that’s when it’s harder to come back to this blank screen and type something up.
You’d think maybe Big Brother was what brought me back, and no, not really. But I will say that I’ve really been enjoying BB23 this season so far (entering week 3 and I don’t consider the season a dumpster fire so yay). It’s nice to have it around to look forward to during the summer.
Honestly what brought me back is a conversation I have with my therapist periodically, which is writing is good for me. I’m good at writing. I like writing. Maybe I just need to get back on the wagon and try. So here I am, writing again.
Some quick hits:
- Vaccinated? Hell yeah I am, having got my 2nd Pfizer shot back in April. Reminder: it’s not a HIPAA violation to talk about your vaccination status.
- Employed? Yeah, still employed. I actually got promoted as of July 1 to Senior Manager. It was bittersweet as obviously I had no one to really celebrate it with. Maybe somewhere in the ether they’re proud of me.
- Roof over my head? Still at the place Larry & I bought in the Valley. I’ve been making small changes here and there. The featured image here is me at the new dining room table I bought. It replaces the dining room table Larry & I bought when we first moved back here to LA in our swanky pad in Santa Monica – let’s look at pictures:
- I got rid of Larry’s car back in March. Yeah, it took me a year plus to get rid of it. Some of the delay was due to auto title and registration nonsense Larry hadn’t taken care of for 10 years. Anyway, I called a local DMV-authorized small business that helped me get the rest of the way, and soon enough I was able to sell it to a pick-a-part. So the garage stopped being a constant reminder, and that was good.
- We had mom’s memorial in May after it seemed a good majority of people could have gotten vaccinated that would likely attend. We held it in Royal Oaks Park in Duarte, which was near her house. It was a very nice event and Stacie and I think it would have made mom happy.
- Physical health? Yoga was what I earnestly started last year after Larry’s death and continued doing it nearly every day as the pandemic continued. I’m thankful I did so, as I know it has helped my back (by strengthening my core) and it has helped as a way to meditate and chill every morning. I bought a Peloton this year and that has also become key to my fitness. I ride nearly 3-4 times a week and add in strength Peloton workouts as well, and I am feeling good.
- Mental health? My grief group has been part of my life for the last year or so. It wraps up this week, and I’m sad about that, but it’s always been a year program. The hope is that our group continues unofficially meeting up, like going out to dinner or others’ homes every 2 weeks. The others in this group are the only other ones who have the same shared experience and can really understand the utter despair and heartbreak the others feel. It’s quite a thing to have them in my life. I also started seeing a therapist one-on-one earlier this year when things just weren’t good. It’s been a good decision to take part in that. By no means does it solve anything but it does help me have perspective and tether me back to something.
- My friends have kept me alive this past 18 months. What else can I say? Nicki was my pandemic pod and one of the very few people I saw in person for much of 2020. It’s hard to imagine making it alive without her last year. Like Nicki, Michancy has also visited when she can and we make sure our bitchy levels stay in the red. I’m visiting her in Vegas soon, and maybe that’ll be my first “hey, pics I took” post in a while when I get back. Sveta and Mila I’ve finally been able to see more regularly now that we’re all vaccinated and I love them so much. We all were able to get together and have our own Sound of Music Sing-a-long at my house back near Memorial Day weekend. It was wonderful.
I think that’s enough for now. I know that if I let myself go I can end up writing an endless post and I don’t feel I need to capture everything that’s happened since when I wrote about mom’s death.
Maybe I’ll be back to this more regularly. It did feel nice to highlight some of the good stuff and acknowledge the painful things too in this post. I’m sad and lonely still, most days, but I’m trying to do what I can to make it not so bad. I see friends, work keeps me busy, and maybe I’ll start dating soon. I don’t know. I say that out loud and it just feels really weird to contemplate that. But that can be for another post.
I was looking forward to seeing the new Coen Bros. movie, Hail, Caesar! regardless, as it looked like a funny madcap movie set within 1950s Hollywood with lots of interesting actors playing various crazy roles. George Clooney as the matinee icon, Ralph Fiennes as a finicky director, Scarlett Johanssen as a feisty actress, Josh Brolin as the studio head, and Channing Tatum looking ridiculously cute in a sailor musical number. Count me in.
So if you notice at around the 1:13 mark in the video above, you’ll hear in voiceover the words, “Laurence, Hobie,” and guess what, that’s not misheard. The extremely adorable and cute cowboy star who nearly steals the movie is named Hobart “Hobie” Doyle. I kind of couldn’t believe this was happening.
The video above is a small behind-the-scenes about the Hobie character, but doesn’t give much away which is good. Hobie’s role is pretty damn great, and honestly outshines many of the other parts. Still, Channing Tatum’s super-homoerotic sailor number gets very high marks, but yeah, it was kinda nuts to keep hearing my name in this movie. And that he was really named Hobart too. I smell a renaissance of my name in the making!!!!
Anyway, the movie is a whole lot of fun and very very funny. The scene between Hobie and Laurence St. Laurentz when Hobie has to stop playing a cowboy and instead play a society man….”Would that it were so simple…” –it’s an amazing scene. The whole movie is quite good though and everyone is fantastic in it. A nice way to spend a February afternoon, if you so choose.
I’ve actually got plenty I’d like to rant about, but it’s just not worth it to air it all out on my own site. I’ve had this website, in one form or another, since 2001. 2001! It was a lot of fun to express myself through my sarcasm on this site, but I knew all the time that I couldn’t really let loose. Reasons in 2001 included fear of what I wrote being used against me in some way by the Air Force, whether it was because I wrote something stupid, or accidentally ranting on the wrong topic. As an officer in the military, you’re held to a higher standard and expected to be professional. I held on to that mindset, especially as it was all I had. Being in the closet, I had nothing else to focus on besides work, and if the situation permitted, the friends I had.
That mindset had to persist of course up until I finally got out in 2007. After that I could write openly about being gay, but still, I always knew that I had to continue not to inappropriately rant about certain topics, whether it was work or personal stuff. You only shoot yourself in the foot when you act the fool and post about it. So even now, even though I’m obviously okay with posting pictures and talking about a lot of stuff, it’s all pretty mundane. As it has to be. But man, there are certain things I’d REALLY like to just vent about. Like REALLY vent.
I don’t know…. I know full well doing so is idiotic and would accomplish nothing, but it is cathartic to do so. It’s funny – I once wrote a rant on my website during my Vegas years that I password-protected because while I did change the names, I had to just get out my side of the story about some work stuff and let off some steam or else I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I can still read that post and summon those feelings of anger, even while at this very moment, I can only remember the actors in the situation but not the details of the situation. Yet reading that post would bring it ALL back….
So here we are – a whole bunch of words to indicate that while I’d like to write some bitchy cathartic prose, it ain’t gonna happen. And I couldn’t think of anything else to write about tonight. We had ramen at Silverlake Ramen and it was so damn good, and we watched 3 more episodes of Scandal; now I’m ready to play some video games and then pass out.
This show,Â How I Met Your Mother (HIMYM), premiered in 2005 when I was still living in Las Vegas. Â It’s now ending 9 years later and it’s really really bittersweet, as while of course this is one of my favorite shows and a lot of emotional beats and closure were hit in tonight’s series finale, it’s also very hard to process that this show was basically an accompaniment to my life, especially the late 20s to mid-to-late 30s part of it.
Thinking about 9 years ago is a harsh thing to do. Â 2005?! Â I’m still in the Air Force, I’m at Nellis/Las Vegas, and I’m fucking miserable at my job. Â That was 9 years ago? Â YEESH. Â Follow that time with Colorado Springs and Cheyenne Mountain, and while I loved the people I ended up working with and meeting, again miserable at the job. Â Get out of the military, looking for something better, and the chance to actually live my life out. Â What better place to do that than in NYC? Â So there I go for 3.5 years, after which I have met the love of my life and we move out to Los Angeles together. Â And now it’s been another 3.5 years….and during all that time,Â HIMYM has been on and cracking me up while also telling a wonderful story in an always clever and sometimes poignant manner.
These last 9 years have been an insane ride, and I mean that in all the best ways. Â I wouldn’t be who I am now without all those experiences, people, and places in my life, and that seemed to be a through-line in the story told by the show too. Â So much of where we end up is determined by how we make that journey.
So I’m sad that this particular show is over, as it seems to signal that a certain chapter in my life is closing. Â I have a strong inkling I know what the next chapter will be about – and I’m ready for it. Â But I still have to mourn a bit for a piece of pop culture that really entertained me and which is now over. Â And having said that, HERE BE SPOILERS ABOUT THE END OF HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Â I just have to talk about some of the stuff that happened!
- So the theories about the mother (whose name was Tracy!) were true….it was heartbreaking to get that brief moment of seeing the mother sick and then getting confirmation that she did die. Â I was reading a few articles and comments about the finale before writing this, and while I can understand people’s frustrations with that, especially the coda to it all, I still liked it and understood that it still was an ending I’m on board with
- Aunt Robin looks to become Stepmom Robin. Â I always liked Robin and Ted together, and I think with there now being 20 years or so since they were together and with life and maturity hitting them, they’ll probably be a good pair.
- Barney and Robin’s divorce was sad. Â Not totally unexpected, but still sad. Â It felt so quick, but of course it did take place 3 years into the future after their wedding, but for us the viewers, it felt abrupt.
- Barney’s reaction to having a baby with #31 (that really felt wrong to not have some kind of person assigned to that – I was hoping it would be Quinn) was really emotional, although after that point and at Ted and Tracy’s wedding, we don’t see much more of Barney. Â I guess we assume all goes well?
- I liked that there was a scene with the kids that was clearly filmed at what must have been some time around the 1st or 2nd season, seemingly locking the Robin story in a long time ago. Â It’s possible and likely other scenarios were filmed but honestly, I’m good with this being the way it went.
- Lily and Robin’s goodbye at the Apartment Farewell had me bawling. Â That felt so true about that point in your life when your friends all move on with their lives. Â There is a point where “the gang” is no longer the gang.
So that’s the end ofÂ How I Met Your Mother. Â I couldn’t bear to watch the new show premiering after it as it just looked fucking terrible. Â So it’s a night of listening to music and writing. Â I’m good with that. Â I’m excited about the next chapter.
I know that it’s very narcissistic to “feel something” when someone with a similar name dies, but it is a lot different when the shared name is something as unique as Hobart and when that person also went by Hobie. I’m talking about the death of Hobie Alter, the man behind the Hobie sailboards and the Hobie Cat sailboats. Obviously that man and I have absolutely nothing in common except for the name, but still. His legacy is pretty outstanding and his impact in ocean-going sports is huge – it inspires me to keep aiming high (Go Air Force! …..sorry) and pursue my own kind of impact. Rest in peace, Hobie.