Nothing to Say

I’ve actually got plenty I’d like to rant about, but it’s just not worth it to air it all out on my own site.  I’ve had this website, in one form or another, since 2001.  2001!  It was a lot of fun to express myself through my sarcasm on this site, but I knew all the time that I couldn’t really let loose.  Reasons in 2001 included fear of what I wrote being used against me in some way by the Air Force, whether it was because I wrote something stupid, or accidentally ranting on the wrong topic.  As an officer in the military, you’re held to a higher standard and expected to be professional.  I held on to that mindset, especially as it was all I had.  Being in the closet, I had nothing else to focus on besides work, and if the situation permitted, the friends I had.

That mindset had to persist of course up until I finally got out in 2007.  After that I could write openly about being gay, but still, I always knew that I had to continue not to inappropriately rant about certain topics, whether it was work or personal stuff. You only shoot yourself in the foot when you act the fool and post about it.  So even now, even though I’m obviously okay with posting pictures and talking about a lot of stuff, it’s all pretty mundane.  As it has to be.  But man, there are certain things I’d REALLY like to just vent about.  Like REALLY vent.  I don’t know…. I know full well doing so is idiotic and would accomplish nothing, but it is cathartic to do so.  It’s funny – I once wrote a rant on my website during my Vegas years that I password-protected because while I did change the names, I had to just get out my side of the story about some work stuff and let off some steam or else I was going to have a nervous breakdown.  I can still read that post and summon those feelings of anger, even while at this very moment, I can only remember the actors in the situation but not the details of the situation.  Yet reading that post would bring it ALL back….

So here we are – a whole bunch of words to indicate that while I’d like to write some bitchy cathartic prose, it ain’t gonna happen.  And I couldn’t think of anything else to write about tonight.  We had ramen at Silverlake Ramen and it was so damn good, and we watched 3 more episodes of Scandal; now I’m ready to play some video games and then pass out.

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