Tag Archives: gay

Xanadu Dreams

A week or so ago, I had a really vivid dream with Larry in it.  We were on a porch of some cabin-like building, sitting on the steps leading to it.  We were deep in conversation with Olivia Newton John, who was delighted with us and we were delighted with her.   The subject of her songs came up (as it would if you were talking to ONJ) and we told her how much we loved her song, “Magic,” from the movie Xanadu.  It’s a truly wonderful song, created by the always fabulous ELO.

It’s a cheesy song for sure, but this dream was beautiful as she was belting it out and Larry and I were eating it up, and joining in of course.  Then I woke up.  Here is a performance of “Xanadu” too, which is another fantastic dreamy song and including it just because it’s awesome.

I guess all I can hope for is to have these periodic dreams.   I know that doing stuff like cooking or running or watching shows Larry loved help make it feel like he’s here with me, but it also just makes me even more sad while also being not sad.   It’s just so fucking awful.  I have a picture of us on my desk and his smile just lights up the world.  And he’s dead.  I watch his shows and see things that I wish we could talk or kvetch about, and no, that’s right, I’m alone.  I had my lucky chance, and it’s now over.

Today I watched the 1999 movie Trick, which was one of the first gay movies I saw that I personally felt was slightly realistic, if “realistic” means that a beautiful young 20-something encounters a gorgeous 20-something go-go boy and something more develops over the course of a night when the original intent was just to hook up.  It’s a funny fucking movie, lots of great moments (and plenty of hot club guys to gawk at), and the two leads are just adorable.  But the way they fall in love resonated so much with me as a lonely in-the-closet gay in 2005 (when I saw the movie finally, purchased on Amazon) and gave me such hope about what might happen for me.  Then I went to NYC and it fucking happened.  I did fall in love with a guy and honestly I can tell you I fell in love with Larry that first night.  Some times these things happen.

I watch the movie again, now widowed from that same magical man, and I don’t have that lonely hope anymore.  I’m just lonely and resigned to the fact that to hope for that again is foolish.  I don’t know what I’m entitled or lucky enough to hope for in the future, but I just want to somehow learn how to not be as sad.   That maybe knowing I did have that love for 11 years was and is enough and to be content.   But all I feel at the moment is loss and grief.

Not YOUUUUU Bitch!

The Emmys were on last night and the amazing FX mini-series, Feud:  Bette & Joan, pretty much got shut out from winning any awards.  It’s too bad, but there was some pretty fierce competition.  Anyway, I got to thinking about one of the funniest scenes from early in the series, when Joan Crawford (Jessica Lange) and Bette Davis (Susan Sarandon) have one of their many arguments – and Joan Crawford storms away mocking Bette Davis’ regret at not winning the 1950 Best Actress Oscar for All About Eve:

It’s hard to believe that both Bette Davis for All About Eve AND Gloria Swanson for Sunset Boulevard lost that year.  HOW????

Anyway, I’ll get back to posting pics from the many vacations we’ve taken over the last year – think I’ll still have to go in reverse chronological order as I’d like to finish ONE of these trips!

A Very Brief Night & Day in NYC

I had a very long and exhausting experience over the past few days.  On Saturday, Larry & I went to see Mockingjay, Part 2 at the Chinese Theater and it was great and everything (maybe a review coming later, who knows).   After that, which probably got the exhaustion off to a good start, we went over to Jacen’s house for a party.  Not just ANY party though – it was his coming out party.  Who knew?  It was an absolute blast and included two very attractive shirtless men serving drinks, which I think is now going to be a condition for any party I attend in the near future.  I mean, it just makes sense. No while we didn’t stay till super late in the evening – I did drink my fair sure of red wine to ensure the celebration was wonderful!  We left around 11 or so though and got to be probably around 12.  Unfortunately for me, my flight was at 7am on Sunday, meaning I had to get up at 4:30 to get on the road by 5.  UGH.  I did get up, got out the door (wisely, I had packed before the party), and drove over to LAX Long Term Lot C.  Off I went to NYC!

In a Middle Seat!  Yay for last-minute flight bookings!  My booking was so I could be present, in person, for an engagement kick-off where the client is in NYC.  I didn’t want to get into the city late at night like I have in the past, so this early morning flight got me there around 3:30 in the afternoon.  Even then, by the time my cab got me into town from JFK, it was twilight.  I was exhausted.  Probably had 2 hours of sleep to my name at that point and I definitely didn’t sleep on the plane.  But a shower helped when I got checked in – and man, this hotel where I stayed, the Andaz, was AMAZING.  It’s located on the same block as the PwC building, so there’s a decent deal for rooms there.  I thought that would mean it was going to be standard and formulaic – OH CONTRAIRE!  Seriously swanky – the room is pictured here:

I talked to Larry for a little bit and it was now time to get some dinner – I considered just going downstairs to the hotel’s nice restaurant, and while I was super tired, my love of the city made me want to leave and go to Blue Smoke.  Because reasons.  Larry encouraged me, and off I went!  I ended up taking the subway there and getting in around 6pm.  On a Sunday, that’s pretty damn early and meant NO LINE.  Yay!  Plenty of room at the bar too, so I sat there and got my fix of delicious Blue Smoke, including their delectable mac and cheese.  It’s noticeably a different recipe than what Larry & I fell in love with, but still so damn good.

As you can see, I did pretty good with putting away food.  And that energy burst helped fuel me for what came next: an impromptu walking tour around Midtown!

My journey started at Blue Smoke, and I walked up Park Avenue from there at 27th St to Grand Central at 42nd.  From there I walked west to Fifth Avenue and continued heading north, as I realized I wanted to see 30 Rock.  Gotta say – I think that Sunday may be the last calm time for Manhattan for a great while as the holiday rush is coming.  Believe that!  It was actually a pleasure to walk around.  Sure, there were plenty of people, but NOTHING like the deluge of FTPs that come in starting Thanksgiving.  Ugh.  So yeah, this was a nice walk.  After reveling in 30 Rock, I swung by Times Square and again, not so terrible of crowds.  I even finally climbed up the tkts booth to get a higher view of the commotion. It’s quite a cool view.  After that, it was time to head back to the hotel, and conveniently Bryant Park is on the way.  There’s an ice rink set up and it ends up being a nice place to just sit down and people watch.  So I did that for a little bit and realized I miss living in NYC a LOT.  Always so much to do…in an ittybitty living space (h/t Aladdin).  After that – back to the hotel and glorious glorious sleep.

Sunday, Nov 22, 2015 – My Midtown Walking Tour

My plans for working out never happened, and I had big plans.  But yeah, no.  It was awesome to have a very short walk to work, and great to see Osman and Dan again, as well as meeting some new coworkers. The kick-off went well and afterwards, we had a good team lunch at a nearby PJ Clarke’s and damn, it was good burgers there.

So now, I’m back.  The flight back was not a total shitshow, but maybe an almost total shitshow.  I’m hoping I manage not to get whatever the woman next to me had – I made it a point not to engage with her from the start as she was annoying as fuck, but when she came down with something that apparently her whole family had been suffering through the last few days, and disappeared into the bathroom for the majority of the flight, I made sure to desanitize everything I could.  So we’ll see if I end up sick for Thanksgiving.  If so, fuck those people.

A Truly Amazing Day

…and I’m in Dallas for some anti-money laundering training for the WEEKEND never thinking how huge a day June 26, 2015 was going to be.  Fuck.   What I wouldn’t give to be back home today and celebrate this amazing day with Larry, my family, my friends….

Of course, first, we had the sensational news that the Supreme Court had effectively stricken down the laws against gay marriage in states that had them, and thus gay marriage was legal throughout the country.  About fucking time.  I’m going to quote here, for posterity, the wonderful statement made in Justice Kennedy’s remarks:

No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family.  In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were.  As some of the petitioners in this case demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death.  It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage.  Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves.  Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions.  They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law.  The Constitution grants them that right.

The judgment of the Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit is reversed.

It is so ordered.

SO ordered, indeed.  I can’t wait to get home and start really getting ready for my completely nationwide-legal wedding to Larry!

Later in the day, as President Obama was speaking his eulogy for the slain pastor from last week’s slaughter in Charleston, he sang “Amazing Grace” and reduced anyone watching to tears:


I will miss this President when his term is finished.

And so now I sit here and wish I was back home.  Tonight is the Sound of Music Sing-a-long at the Hollywood Bowl, which is way earlier than it has ever been before.  My mom is using my ticket though so at least something good is coming of it as she’s not had the experience.  It is the 50th anniversary of the movie, so maybe some awesome surprises are on their way?  For my part, I’m listening to the soundtrack (“My Favorite Things” is currently playing).  GOD DAMN, why didn’t I look at my fucking personal calendar before signing up for this fucking training?????  I am actually physically angry at how this turned out.

The one good thing that I really am going to focus on is that things are going to work out and I’ll get to see my dad tomorrow after the session is done!  It’s quite a schlep he’ll be making so I’m super appreciative.  Can’t believe how long it’s been, yet again.

Finally, after today’s session, I quickly hightailed it over to the Book Depository here in Dallas, TX.  After reading 11/22/63 and of course just the morbid fascination that such a place in history holds, I knew that if I was going to do anything touristy, that would be it.  It ends up being quite an experience, as they’ve put up a very intense and immersive experience on the 6th floor of the depository, which is where Oswald carried out Kennedy’s assassination.  The corner of the building he was situated in has been recreated to look like it was, and it’s decidedly creepy.  A very good exhibit nonetheless – I’ve taken pictures but I don’t have an easy way that I can think of at the moment to get them here…but I may update this post shortly as I’m thinking of something.…Yay, Google Photos – thanks for making this work out after all…Pictures!

June 26, 2015 – Visiting the Book Depository in Dallas, TX

26-Jun-2015 16:54, Apple iPhone 6, 2.2, 4.15mm, 0.001 sec, ISO 32
26-Jun-2015 17:04, Apple iPhone 6, 2.2, 4.15mm, ISO 32
26-Jun-2015 17:04, Apple iPhone 6, 2.2, 4.15mm, ISO 32
26-Jun-2015 17:06, Apple iPhone 6, 2.2, 4.15mm, 0.001 sec, ISO 32
26-Jun-2015 17:06, Apple iPhone 6, 2.2, 4.15mm, 0.001 sec, ISO 32
26-Jun-2015 17:06, Apple iPhone 6, 2.2, 4.15mm, 0.001 sec, ISO 32
26-Jun-2015 17:07, Apple iPhone 6, 2.2, 4.15mm, 0.001 sec, ISO 32
26-Jun-2015 17:10, Apple iPhone 6, 2.2, 4.15mm, 0.033 sec, ISO 50
Looking down at about the same view as Oswald had
Looking down at about the same view as Oswald had26-Jun-2015 17:53, Apple iPhone 6, 2.2, 4.15mm, 0.001 sec, ISO 32
26-Jun-2015 17:54, Apple iPhone 6, 2.2, 4.15mm, 0.001 sec, ISO 32
That white X on the road is where it is presumed the fatal shot was experienced
That white X on the road is where it is presumed the fatal shot was experienced26-Jun-2015 17:54, Apple iPhone 6, 2.2, 4.15mm, 0.001 sec, ISO 32
26-Jun-2015 17:54, Apple iPhone 6, 2.2, 4.15mm, 0.001 sec, ISO 32
This was the stretch of road the motorcade was on before turning right below onto Elm
This was the stretch of road the motorcade was on before turning right below onto Elm26-Jun-2015 17:54, Apple iPhone 6, 2.2, 4.15mm, 0.001 sec, ISO 32
26-Jun-2015 17:54, Apple iPhone 6, 2.2, 4.15mm, 0.001 sec, ISO 32
26-Jun-2015 17:54, Apple iPhone 6, 2.2, 4.15mm, 0.001 sec, ISO 32

And did I mention how much I wish I was home?????

Golden Slumbers / Carry That Weight

This twosome from the Beatles on Abbey Road is possibly my favorite Beatles “song.”  It’s an emotional punch of sentimentality as well as hope – and will always have a huge bit of memory for me.  I was listening to it once while walking to work in NYC.  I think I had gotten off the NY Waterway bus as something must have pissed me off about that day’s commute?  Anyway, the headphones were on and I had this on and it gets to the “Carry That Weight” portion of the song, and that’s when I realized it was beyond time to be out at work. I hadn’t explicitly told anyone besides Arielle and Joe at that point, and while I’m sure most of my coworkers were quite sure about my sexuality, I still kept myself in a closet of sorts.  Who knows why?  It’s just when you are still afraid of being rejected by coworkers/friends (for clearly no real rational reason), you can decide to put up dumb walls.

So hearing these lyrics from “Carry That Weight” resonated like hell with me that day. I was carrying an enormous weight of keeping this “a secret” and it was draining me.  Especially since there was so much additional stress of the job alone!   So yeah, that day at work, I was ready to stop evading any questions.  I still remember that for lunch, I had gone downstairs to the Rockefeller Plaza concourse to get a chicken katsu plate at the sushi place downstairs and the very friendly staff there yet again tried to sell me on the wonders of Jesus Christ.  I nodded politely and sat down to wait and messaged Sharon that it was hilarious that I was getting proselytized yet again at the sushi place as they’d probably flip out if they knew I was gay.  She ‘lol’d’ via the message and then pointed out that I had just come out to her.  She was happy, I was happy, and that’s that.  It really is a miraculous weight to remove when you do that.  After that, it was never an issue and never a problem to talk about my actual life.  Just remembering how that felt and then remembering having to not have a personal life while in the Air Force still makes me cringe. What a waste.