Happy New Year, right? It’s obvious this is the end stretch. Larry is barely coherent, and when he is awake (which is when we get him up to go to the bathroom or for meals), he gets frustrated at the fact that he can’t be independent. So it’s good I guess that he does feel those emotions, and that he still does recognize us and can interact slightly during those times, but the most part, he’s sleeping. And basically drifting away. 4:30 this morning, he had to pee, and then pee again around 6, and he was more animated than typical, and I tried to listen to some of the things he was saying to see if I could get anything from it, but the most that was understandable was that he had a vision, of something after school. Other than that, it was not much sleep, as I had stayed up to get a NYE kiss with my one true love one last time. I didn’t drink that much so no hangover to speak of, so that’s good.
We watched the Rose Parade (most of it I guess) and that was nice to have on in the background, although it was hard for both Fran and I to really cope during the day. I find I do get into a mindset of pushing out reality and I keep my emotions in check. But some things just will trigger me to sob and get uncontrollable. I don’t even know what it is – I guess it’s when I let myself think about the situation, and the reality that I am truly losing Larry from the world, forever. I want to believe that he’ll be at peace and feel release, but I am selfish and want him here with me for a few more decades. But I won’t, and all these people who get to have their loved ones while I get mine ripped away. They mean well with their checking in and ‘how’s he doing’ but all I really want is to say I fucking hate you all for getting to live your life and have fun and not have the reality of life shit on your face and smashed into every orifice so that you don’t forget. It’s so fucking unfair.
Anyway, I played some video games today to just get my head out of things as it gets hard to watch TV and sit in the living room with the gang after a while. I had bought “PC Building Simulator” on Steam and OMG this game is so therapeutic. You basically are building, fixing, or upgrading virtual PCs and it’s just great. Killed a few hours that way. Besides that, it’s taking care of Larry during meals and when he has to go to the bathroom. At this point, he can’t do anything himself, so we’re literally carrying him to a bedside commode for shitting, or using a plastic urinal container for peeing. And inevitably there are spills, as well as wiping his ass. It’s insane – I don’t mind doing this because it’s him. The smells are godawful and yes, there’s blood. But I love him and I actually do take my vows seriously to him. I, along with Fran and Joel, are here to take care of him until his last breath. It’s going to all-but-destroy us in the process, but Larry is someone who is beyond worth it. It just kills me though when he can’t hold his arms up to feed himself, or can’t really stand on his legs, or rants about some thing (a pill, water, food) that is right in front of him but he’s completely unaware. It’s just awful.
I’m taking the rest of the week off too – and have reached out to PwC to let them know I’m probably going to take a few weeks of leave of absence while this runs its course.