hob's online journal
Sometimes it can all seem so overwhelming...
January 20, 2005: And then something happens that makes you realize, what the hell is wrong with me? I refer of course to my own wallowing self-pity that I have been enveloped in for the past....oh, year and a half? Not that I didn't have reason to be upset, there is plenty of reason for that, but honestly, the feelings my job has inspired in me has pretty much consumed me and ruined the past year and a half for me. Now I know that this all is going to sound oh-so-stupid and lame, but I was watching a movie, the Last Samurai, just now on DVD, and it's stories like the one told in this movie where you just realize, there is a lot more to life than some stupid job. I do not want to have my eyes opened up and I'm 50 and I'm old and bitter and pissed off and have realized that I didn't enjoy life when I had the opportunity. Okay, obviously I don't want to be a samurai all of a sudden, but watching a fictional movie about honor and embracing life somehow just made me realize I have been in a bad place for a long time, mentally. I've let things get to me that while I can't ignore them, I also can't let them destroy who I am because I'll never forgive myself for that. There's just too much to be happy about and to enjoy. (BTW, I swear I'm not drunk. And if you had told me at 5pm I'd be writing this, I'd have slapped you silly) At the end of the day today, I somehow plummeted into a pity cycle that really was nauseating to experience. This is not how I want to end my time with SSgt Robinson, nor is it how I want to exist the last year I'm here at Nellis. I'll be damned if these fuckers make me miserable any more. I'll still have issues and anger, but no more is it going to affect me the way it has. I can't let it. Because there's just too much I still want to do and experience while I'm still capable, and holing up in my apartment and wishing things were better is not going to make it so. I'm embarassed that so much time has gone by and been wasted feeling the way I have, but maybe my new New Year's Resolution™ has finally been revealed to me. I actually feel better just typing this as I honestly feel this way. I may actually sleep well tonight.
1000 feet up in the air
January 17, 2005: Geez, I sure can get all riled up, can't I? Honestly, my anger is still somewhat justified, but it was compounded by a few things: Sgt Jenny's departure/going away, the work thing, not getting enough sleep that week, and just other things going on in my fragile little mind that all decided to turn on that moment. It sucks to be me sometimes. I'm not really sure how to solve all these problems except to take them one day at a time, but as I watch ABC's Extreme Makeover thing, it begins to get in my head that I just want some sort of fairy godmother to fix stuff. That's not too much to ask, is it?
But anyways, this 4-day weekend is just about over, and it was actually pretty fun. But before Friday, there was Thursday! And on Thursday, we had Sgt Jenny's official going-away luncheon at Applebee's (the 2nd choice after Olive Garden said they were booked solid - bastards!). We had hoped to be able to go home afterwards, but alas, the 53 WG/CC had decided to 'visit' and our visit was at 1530 that afternoon. Great. A lot of people came to say goodbye to Sgt Jenny though, and amazingly, I didn't lose it and I prevented myself from getting all sobby when I started off the things to say. Maybe I'm getting better at controlling my emotions or perhaps I'm burning all that emotional crap out of my brain by all the desensitization I experience at work. Hmm. Here are the pictures from the fun event:
So that was the fun of that day. But before I go on, I have to talk about the fun that I actually had at work on Wednesday night. We were all just chilling when Lt Col Thomas came back and started talking to us, then he left and came back with a bottle of Jack and a bottle of Capt Morgan rum. And then a large group of us started having a very good evening...at work. It was very nice to have a few drinks to end what had been a substantially crappy first three days of the week. Even more satisfying was that the acting COMACC was just a room away, and we're getting buzzed. Sweet.
This weekend was fun. I hung out with the Schofields quite a bit. During Friday I really can't remember what I did, but I don't think I really left the apartment that much. Oh, I did get my car washed, which was nice after all these rain storms. Then I called up the Schofields and convinced them to go to the Outback, which may be one of the best restaurants ever because they have cheese fries. They may be the worst possible food to eat in terms of calories, but DAYUM, they are so good.
The next day we had decided would be Hofbrauhaus night, and so me, Amber & Loren, plus Sgt Jenny met up at the Hofbrauhaus for some German drink and food. Good times, and I got quite buzzed after having about 3 of those liter steins of beer. Excellent. After spending a few hours there, we headed over to MGM so we could ride the Monorail up to the Sahara. We lost Sgt Jenny along the way, although she never intended to go with us on the monorail, but literally it was like she just vanished. Thankfully, she found a cab and got home safe. Yay! But as for the rest of us, we rode the new Las Vegas monorail all the way up to its other end point at Sahara. It's a fairly decent way to go from one end of the strip to the other, and the price for a one way ticket is $3.00, not all that bad considering how much everything else costs in Vegas. Not reasonable when you consider a subway fare in other cities of the world, but whatever. As we were heading up north on the monorail, we (primarily me) decided to then take a cab to the Stratosphere, at which we would go to the top of the Stratosphere and go on those insane rides, X-Scream and Big Shot. X-Scream is basically the ride I promised myself I'd never ever ever go on, but since I had some drinks in me, I decided why not? What happens on X-Scream? Click here to see real pictures, but basically you're on a teeter totter at the top of the tower, and your vehicle runs back and forth on the teeter totter, and when you go to the far end, you are hanging past the tower's roof and directly over the ground beneath you, the ground being about 900 feet below. It's quite frightening, and you keep getting raised up, then dropped, then you accelerate to the end of the ramp thinking you're about to plunge off the end. Yeah, I'll never ride this ride sober or during the daylight. At least at night, you can kind of fool yourself about high up you are. We then went on the Big Shot, which is a launched freefall from the top of the tower up another 160 feet. So you get shot up a 160 foot tower that is already about 900 feet up. Then you experience zero-gravity at the top of the ride, then you plummet down, get thrown back up, and finally then you settle back down. It's exhilarating, but the anticipation is quite intense. As with X-Scream, I'll never go on this sober and/or during the day. (I just went to that Stratosphere website and they are adding ANOTHER ride on the top there, this one called 'Insanity'. You know the ride at theme parks where there are a bunch of chairs attached to a huge central tower that starts to rise and spin you around? Lots of fun because you're typically only like 20-30 feet up at most, and it's usually termed a 'kids ride'. Insanity is that ride, but there's now a crane arm that pivots out 10 chairs to dangle over the edge, and your chairs face in as opposed to forward. Then when you start to spin, your chair gets forced out due to centrifugal forces and you are staring straight down 960 feet while spinning around. Hmmm...that'll take quite a bit of booze for me to get on THAT ride, thank you very much). Anyways, here are some of the pictures from the trip to the Hofbrauhaus and the Stratosphere.
So needless to say, I was a tad hungover the next day. Regardless, I still met up with the Schofields to see Meet the Fockers, which was actually very funny. I can see why it's doing so well in the theatres. And after recovering from my hangover, I ended up catching up on all my DVR'd TV, mainly watching all my 24 and Alias from last week, plus a lot of Lost that I had been unable to watch before. Right now, TV just rocks!!!!! And TV in HD is freakin' fantastic.
So today I slept in lots, cleaned up my apartment, and am basically mentally preparing myself for another week, albeit a sad one as this is definitely Sgt Jenny's last week in.
Okay, so maybe that good year crap was a little overboard
January 11, 2005: I FUCKING HATE MY JOB. Geez, it was easier to write that than I thought it would be. You see, I'm deciding to embrace my inner bitchiness. I can't stand the job I do, 75% of the people I have to work with or for (you see, I apparently work for every fucking person who walks into my building or who sees me in the hall or who has an itch that needs scratching or who needs someone to complain to or who feels like bitching about their uncomfortable shoes because apparently I made them buy them), and I can't believe that I have to deal with those for about another year. Actually, it's less than that. Thank God.
Obviously, I've been bitter about my job since about Nov 2002 (hint: that's when I started working here). It's just that each new day with the new way things are set up is even more craptastic than the oh-so-crapalicious day before. Literally, Monday was a nightmare. It started off with me discovering that it's quite alright for people from around the freakin' country to all decide that I'm their bitch. After things calmed down, around lunch sometime, I got to take care of a few things, and then we had PT, which was actually nice. I hadn't run on the track in a while, but it was nice to get back to it. I got home, and for some reason, I was just relieved the day was over, I was kicking back, about to start my homework, watch a little bit of the Surreal Life premiere rebroadcast (which Sgt Jenny and Michancy both said I had to see), when of course the phone rings. I had actually stopped answering my home phone for a while, as I preferred to screen it, never knowing if it was work or some credit collections agency getting ready to hassle me. But those calls have stopped, or so I thought. It was work, and there was an 'emergency' I had to come back to work for. Reluctantly (NOT willingly or happily, much to the amazement of those who were calling me back) I went back, and the people I was there to help see my arrival and promptly excuse themselves to the officer's club so they can drink and joke about how they have a comm captain as a bitch. You know, if I had one of those, I'd probably drink and brag about it at the club too. So from 5:30pm to 8pm, I was at work, along with two other folks who were insanely there. Some people just don't want to go home, but I appreciated the company. I guess my personality really IS magnetic. (The veil of self-delusion has been superglued onto my forehead) So what have I learned from this? That I fucking hate my job.
Today was better, but I know that if I type that too loud, a satellite will fall from the sky, crash through my ceiling, and cut off my big toe. Because I wouldn't be killed outright, that would be too easy. Just maim me, as I can still type. But you know what did happen to make this morning just swell? A fucking rock literally flew from the street and impaled itself in my windshield. I even saw the thing arcing through the air towards my windshield, but couldn't do a damn thing about it. <sigh>
A funny story from the BX today: We all went there for lunch today because it's the Tuesday release day for new stuff, and Sgt Jenny especially wanted to get the Village on DVD. I wasn't a big fan of the movie and think I can do without. I'll probably borrow it. Anyways, she's looking at the DVD cases and realizing she has to make a choice between widescreen and full screen. Now for me, that choice was made permanently about a year ago when I purchased a widescreen TV. Hell, even when I had the 25" TV, I still wanted widescreen. I prefer to see movies in their original, non-cropped form. ANYWAYS, she asks me aloud what the difference is between wide and full. To me, this is honestly a silly question, but that's because I'm a movie/DVD snob with a kickass TV. I start to explain to her when all of a sudden this voice from behind us also starts explaining this. We turn around and see the rack of TV show and boxed set DVDs, and I begin to assume I'm hearing voices, when this pilot Capt walks from around and continues his dissertation on the difference. He has a handbasket full of DVDs as well, and I'm thinking, did I somehow split myself, have one half of me put in a flight suit, and suddenly get all chatty to strangers? No, but it was amusing nonetheless, as I've wanted to so many times do exactly what he did, but I didn't want to be the strange guy who talks to people at the DVD rack. Even after that dissertation was done, he continued to talk about how he's striking against DVDs because he's tired of double-dipping (pointing to the latest version of the Fifth Element; I knew his pain, as I was also tempted to buy the newest Ultimate edition, but I own the Superbit already and am fine with it). Yet I don't think he was too serious about his pledge, as like I mentioned, his handbasket was full of DVDs. Literally. The man has an addiction. Some people are just sad...... Okay, I'm kidding. It's a perfectly normal hobby.
So that was one of the bright spots of the day. Tomorrow morning is 0700 PT, which should be a blast. I can't wait.
I hope everyone out there appreciates the job you have and realize that it can get worse. So be happy with what you have!!!!
It WILL be a good new year, dammit!
January 3, 2005: I don't know why I have this ridiculous optimism. Oh, it must be that new drug habit I've picked up. Fantastic booster! I kid, I kid, of course. But it certainly wouldn't hurt to have a good first month though, so I'm hopeful. Hell, I'm almost done with my master's degree, which really is a nice thing to look forward to.
So if you've been looking at my links pages and also at various posts of mine, you'll see all these other websites I've been referring to, and I've just got to say, it's nice to know there are other angry and/or funny people out there. Michancy's blog, The Rodent Lover diaries, The home of the SNAPCON meter, Sgt Jenny's various iterations.... all are hella entertaining fun reads. I could learn a few things or two about sarcasm from these guys, and that's saying quite a bit. Then of course there are the sites I check daily just to see if anything new is happening with these guys, such as Alan's site, Sandersworld, and the Velvet Canvas. My small circle of friends is slowly but surely forming a presence on the Internet, and with just a few more, we will take over China. It'll happen folks, yes it will.
I just spent a while reworking my photos page. Make sure to check it out, gaze it with a sense of wonderment, and then be sure to send me an email about how my photos page changed your life. Don't rush, I'll be here waiting for the email. Take your time. You may have to take your time, especially if over a dial-up connection, as there's quite a few images to preload.
Well, the year is off to a decent start, which probably means I've just completely fucked myself over by mentioning it aloud to the gods of Fuck You. Fantastic. I sure screwed that up. Oh well, a good three days can't be shrugged off that easily.
Alright, it's far too late for me to be up playing with the website. Time to go to sleepysleep and rest up for the havoc I'm sure to cause at work tomorrow. I do love my job!
Oh, did you see the Crazy Guy on the Little Bike picture up front? It
was hilarious as he was out driving his little mini-ATV or mini-motorcycle
thing and completely backing traffic up behind him as he was going a blazin'
20mph, tops. I just had to take a picture of the foolio before I ran him
over with my Monster Jetta. Alright, my Jetta isn't REALLY a monster.
Happy New Year!
January 2, 2005: I really don't have too much to say as of this moment, but I certainly have high hopes but low expectations for this year. Fingers are tightly crossed.
Shoot me an email if you want to. I may respond. (okay, you know I will - what else have I got to do?)