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on life

Losing Larry

This was a quiet, and unfortunately, kind of sad day.  Not sad because it was quiet, but it truly was a day where Larry really just couldn’t get out of bed and his awareness is nearly wiped out.  We’re basically getting him close to an incapacitated, Alzheimer’s patient now.  There’s moments where he can communicate and interact, but for the most part, his hands are nearly useless in terms of holding things for himself, he can’t feed himself, for the bathroom he needs us to get him to the bedside commode and help him wipe, and it’s just exhausting.  This all literally happened in the span of a few days.  I’m starting to feel numb from it.  I can’t though, as when I see him and help him, I know he’s there somewhere..  The poor guy just has run out of time and luck.  I do my best to comfort Fran and all three of us work our best to get through this together.  I’m just more and more resentful of others and lives that don’t have this.  We watched Frozen 2 screener today, as well as Winnie the Pooh and Ratatouille.  It kind of seems watching animated or kids entertainment is helpful and something he can watch, but honestly, even those don’t keep his attention for long and he starts nodding off.  Dr Fakih had told us he’ll just get sleepier and sleepier, until finally his body fails.  I hate that fucker so much but he was not wrong – just a cold asshole.  The things he’s said have not been untrue.  I’m tired, I know Fran and Joel are tired, and everyone else gets to move on with their lives and whistle by the graveyard relieved they’re not the ones going through this.  I hate it.  I love Larry so goddamned much and will be there every step of the way, but I’ve realized I don’t think I’ll ever commit myself to another person again.  I can’t bear to go through this again.

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